Thursday, April 28, 2011

Video Killed This Blogging "Star"

I have discovered that I am much more comfortable behind my keyboard than in front of a camera. 

Mama Kat's bonus challenge this week was to do a vlog (How in the heck do you pronounce that?) about how you titled your blog.

So, after 7,432 attempts . . . with naked children running by in the background, Dora music as a soundtrack and my Lady Gaga ring tone erupting loudly,  I give you my finished product.

It's a vlog people.

Don't get too excited . . . but click the button and embrace the crazy with me.

(Here's hoping the video and the sound sync up.  They do on my computer video, but I have done this several times, and when I load it to blogger, they are off.  It is like I am in my own, poorly dubbed, kung fu movie.  Ay yi yi!)

And about the contacts?

The fact that I had on two different colored contacts in one of my vlog attempts is not the worst thing.  The worst thing is that I have done this before.  Multiple times.  You would think that I would check my reflection in the mirror,  but alas, I do not.  Usually it is my kids that alert me to the fact that I am sporting different colored eyes. . . either them, or the grocery store clerk that can't stop staring . . .

Linking to Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop . . .

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Moon Over My Target . . .

Dear Target,

Please excuse my indecent exposure in your north parking lot at 2:23 this afternoon.  I did not anticipate the monsoon that engulfed our area today.  If I had,  I would surely have worn clothing more appropriate for the ridiculous deluge.

Also, please delete your parking lot video of this afternoon.

It may or may not contain images of my pink panties and my ass as the wind blew my skirt over my head.

Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter and please stop laughing,


P.S.  If I see the video of my ass and panties on you tube later, this letter serves as notice of my intent to sue the Target corporation for royalties.  Just sayin'.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Edward Scissorhands . . . He Is Not . . .

Dear Lord,

Just a short question for today.

What is it about boys and scissors?

That's all.

Off to Supercuts to fix Ethan's homemade hairdo.


Thursday, April 21, 2011

A Celebrity DO List

Dear celebrities,

I know that it is hard to be in the spotlight.

People with cameras follow you around.  Fans shout adoringly at you and ask you for your signature.  You make millions of dollars by reciting lines with flair, or by pouting, slouching, and walking down a runway in designer clothes.

How you even make it through your day . . . I'll never know.

So, to help you through your day, I have compiled a list of 10 positive things you can do to help with your torturous life.

1.  DO wear panties!
    You will be photographed getting in and out of cars.  You do not want your hoo-ha emblazoned all over creation.  Common sense, really.  (Lindsay?  Are you listening??)

2.  DO  take a prozac before going on Oprah.
     (Tom . . . this is for you . . .)  I know that it is exciting to meet and talk with the Queen of talk shows, but refrain from showing your exuberance by jumping on couches or exclaiming wildly with your hands.  You will scare Oprah, after all, and you will leave the rest of us thinking that you are nuts.

3.  DO  confiscate your date's smart phones and cameras.
    Confiscating your date's smart phone and camera will ensure that he or she does not snap photos of you worshipping the porcelain god.

4.  DO pay for your purchases.
     (Winona?  Pay attention!)  You have the cash.  Pay for it.  End of story.  Future jurors will not believe that you "meant" to pay but forgot.

5.  DO believe in mental illness. . .
     Because a few of you definitely suffer from it.  (Charlie?  Winning?!  Only if you are being diagnosed bipolar.  Oh, and Tom?  You too.)

6.  DO take a parenting class before you have children.
    Dangling your child off a balcony over a throng of fans equals bad parenting.

7.  DO realize that celebrity news is forever.
     Think that people forgot that you cheated on your first wife?  (Braaaad?  Yes, you.  We have not forgotten your indiscretion with Angelina when you were married to Jennifer.)  Nope.  We will remember the next time you screw up, because every news agency will drudge up past photos, quotes, and video clips of your mistake.  No amount of baby adopting or house building will ultimately erase your indiscretion.

8.  DO  have a sense of humor.
    Being a star makes you a target.  Why not have a sense of humor about it?  Julia, you did this beautifully when you played a role that required you to then imitate your star self (Ocean's 12).  Your sense of humor made us love you even more.

9.  DO respect the legal system. . .
    Because you will probably be involved with it in some form or another.  Having "F*** You" written on your middle fingernail during your hearing will not gain favor with the judge or the prosecution. (Lindsay?  Again?!?)  Just sayin'.

10.  DO  suck it up.
    Being a star means that you have to deal with paparazzi, and autographs, and fans, and the spotlight.  Suck it up.  Take the good with the bad.  We will love you more for it.


Much better.

Hope this helps.



Linking to Mama's! :)

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Starbucks! Stat!!

Why do I need coffee?

Oh . . . let me count the ways . . .

How about . . .
1. It has been raining for days (and days and days) and to reach my washer and dryer in the basement I need to use a rowboat.  If I knew Noah, I would borrow his ark, so that I could save all of my off season shoes, in pairs, two by two.

2. Last night we had another line of severe storms go through our area that came complete with hail, damaging winds, and tornadoes.

3. The crazy storm caused all 3 of the kiddies to wake up in a frenzy.

4.The crazy storm also caused me to be in a frenzy, and I moved all three kiddies downstairs to the couches in order to prepare for a possible tornado.

5. After finally falling asleep at 2:15 am, hubs' alarm woke me up at 545 am. (Seriously, if it is still dark one should not be waking for the day.  And furthermore, if it is dark and raining, one should immediately be able to call in sick.  Because truthfully, I am sick.  Sick. of. the. rain.)

6.  A basement swimming pool and continued rain outside mean that there is no place to send the kiddies to get their energy out.  We have built tents.  We have played board games.  We have danced to the Wii Dance Party.  We are sick of each other.

7.  Today I have to chaperon the monthly Girl Scout meeting.  8 girls, cupcakes, and duct tape fashion. (Aside: Lord, help me not to use the duct tape to cover their mouths.  Amen.)

8.  I have to tutor 4 students from 530 to 930 this evening.  I will be immersed in parabolic functions, trigonometric functions, and x's and y's. 

9.  I have not been to the grocery store in 10 days.  We have subsisted on pop tarts, water and pasta for 2 days.

10.  Tomorrow forecasters say that we should see the sun. (Yay!) Of course, tomorrow is Thursday, and Thursday evening is hubs' golf night.  (Boo!) I am considering hiring a babysitter to take the kiddies to the park so that I may enjoy Mr. Sunshine, by myself, on my back deck.

So, pass the caffeine Starbucks.

This momma needs it.

Monday, April 18, 2011

He Has An Appetite . . .Just Not For Winning

The flag football coach leaned over the huddle of excited 6 year olds and yelled, "Are you ready?"

A chorus of cheers erupted.  "YES! YES! YES!"

"Are you excited?  Do you want to win?"


Grinning, the coach finished his pregame pump up.  "Are you HUNNNNNN- GRY?  Then get out there and play hard!"

The mass of squirmy, dirty boys whooped it up and ran out onto the field.

After the game, Ethan shared, "Mom!  It was so much fun!"

I smiled and responded, "That's great buddy.  It was fun to watch."

"But Mom?"  he hesitated.   "When the coach asked before the game if I was hungry. . .  I really wasn't.  I was just thinking about playing the game."  He paused and added,  "I am hungry now though."


They are so literal.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Dear God . . . What Do I Do About Ellerie ?

Dear Lord,

It's me.


I know we have spoken about this before, but I am here again, with my same fervent plea.  And in light of the fact that Ellerie has once again stripped naked  and paraded her little birthday suit around the back yard yesterday, despite the fact that we were having company, I am now re-voicing my prayer for Ellerie's future.

Just in case you forgot, I will remind you of my specific intention from last year.

Keep me posted God.

And please,  quit laughing!



Originally prayed in January of 2010 . . .

Dear God,

It's me.


I realize that you only give people what they can handle. But seriously, after my day yesterday, I am beginning to think that you hold me in high regard. Thank you, sincerely, thank you for the flattery, but I have a question for you. Do you think that I am a superstar or something? Is it possible that maybe, just maybe, you may have me confused with someone else? Someone who has buckets of patience, for instance. Just asking.

Yesterday, when Ellerie decided to run around the house in her usual birthday suit, I was OK. I was even OK when she colored all over her naked body with a blue sharpie marker that she found in her sister's school supplies. (By the way, blue is definitely her color. ) When she peed on the floor two times instead of in her designated potty, I didn't bristle. I just looked at it as an opportunity to shine my floors. But, when she tried to stick a carrot from the refrigerator on her, you know . . . hoo-ha, and then said, "Wook mom! It's cold!" that, that put me over the edge. ( I suppose it could have been worse, though. At least she didn't channel Linda Blair.)

So, dear God, I am writing to let you know that I can not handle a daughter that has a future in Girls Gone Wild videos. I am a strong woman, but not that strong.

In the future, please direct my little angel to keep her veggies on her plate, where they belong. I will continue to do my part to keep her in clothes.



***********************I am linking to Mama Kat's workshop today.  The prompt was "What do you think your children will be when they grow up?"  Clearly, I am praying that I do not have an exhibitionist.************************************

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Day 11 of 30 and It's Not Going Too Well . . .

Pamela at the Road to Joy put out a challenge recently.

The challenge was that for 30 days you had to actively look for the positive in your mate.  You had to specifically acknowledge that positive to him or her and then you had to publicly share your praise of him or her.

"Easy peasy," I thought.

Hubs has millions of fabulous qualities.  Surely I could come up with a mere 30 to praise him and spread the love.  This would be no sweat.

I imagined birds suddenly appearing every time I got near him  . . .
to give him his daily positive thought. 

I imagined stars falling down from the sky every time he walked by  . . . when I gave him a word or two of encouragement.

I imagined all the girls (around blog town), following him, all around . . . just to be close to him in all of his positive awesomeness.

It would be great.

Day one  I threw hubs a compliment over lunch. 

"Hon?   I love that you make me laugh."

He raised his eyebrow at me while chewing his salad.  "Umm, " crunch, crunch, "what?" crunch, crunch, "That is totally random but . . . thanks?"

So, the angels weren't getting together to sprinkle moon dust in his hair anytime soon.  I still forged on.

Day two I tried to compliment his physique while he was getting dressed.

"You have great arms, you know?"  I cooed.

He stopped in mid-dress, looked at me, and said seriously, "Arms?  I have good arms?  What is that about?"

This 30 day positive challenge was clearly not the dream come true I imagined.

But I have learned a few things.  I have learned . . .

1) I clearly do not praise hubs enough if every time I do praise him he thinks that I am up to something.
2) Although my intentions are pure, I have forgotten to do the challenge on multiple days.
3) I think that if I do not make praising hubs a conscious decision daily, he probably doesn't get many positive pats on the back, and that makes me just sad.
4) This challenge is MUCH HARDER than I thought.  Not because hubs is anything less than fantastic, but because I am.  I am human, and sometimes it is EASIER to see the negative.
5)I am committed to continue this challenge because it a) makes hubs and me feel good, and b) I hate to lose.

************My sincere apologies to the Carpenter's for butchering their Close to You song.*********

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Gleefully Coming Out of the Closet on Vacation

Vacation was fabulous.

Thank you for asking.

While in sunny Florida playing by the pool and relaxing at the beach, there was only one thing that bothered me.

My hair.

It was in that in-between stage.  The stage where is doesn't fall quite right.  Usually this stage comes before long hair, but truthfully in 10 years, I have never made it past this stage.  I try to endure the hair in my eyes, and  I try to embrace the messy look, but after 27 days of wearing a bandanna to tame my locks, I usually give in and cut.

It is a vicious, vicious cycle, and I reached the end of the cycle while I visited Florida. 
The only solution to my problem was to do the deed, so I found a hair salon, walked in, and had them cut it.

No problem.

It isn't the best cut that I have ever had (remember when I was scalped????), but I figured that it would grow out and my girl (whom I love, love, love!!  Thank you Patty!!!) could fix it.  I was feeling quite good, and back to my sassy Annie-self.

That is, I was feeling quite good until Ab spied my new do.

Her comment?

"Mom, you look like the boy that likes other boys on that singing show you watch."


Ab thinks I look like the character, Kurt, from Glee.

google images

Apparently, I now resemble a singing, openly gay teenager.


Stop laughing.

google images

It could be worse.

I could look like Puck.

(Incidentally, I am quite sure that hubs thinks that I pulled a bait and switch on him since I had long hair when we married.  When I cut it the day after our honeymoon, I think that hubs even shed a tear.  I, however, did a dance of joy!)

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Vacation Conversations . . . Part 1



"What's that smell?"

"What smell?"

Sniffing I answered,  "THAT smell.  The one that smells like something is rotting.  THAT smell."

Hubs shrugged his shoulders,  glanced in the rear view mirror, and then cleared up the mystery. "It's Ethan.  He took his shoes off."



"Did you see that?"

"See what?"

Glancing over my shoulder in disbelief I answered quickly,  "THAT!  The lady that was changing her clothes in the gas station parking lot while you were buying coffee."

He chuckled, glanced back at the gas station wistfully, and said, "Nope. Didn't catch that one. Was it good?"

"Nope.  Too little underwear to cover such a big lady." 



"Did you see that?"


Explaining I said, "THAT man."  I pointed behind my magazine.  "Him!  The grandpa man.  He is reading Playboy!"


"And . . . he is reading about naked women right here as all of our kiddies are running past him to jump in the pool."

Hubs reasoned with a twinkle in his eyes, "Well . . . it does have good articles."

Friday, April 1, 2011

When Skydiving Equals Sex . . .

Clearly, I have some more explaining to do.

This morning my group-on coupon email detailed a tandem skydiving adventure for 50% off.  Knowing that hubs is terrified of heights, I joked with Ab, "You think that I should buy the tandem skydiving jump for me and dad?"

She rolled her eyes, started giggling nervously, and said, "No!  We don't want anymore babies in this house."



I gently prompted her, "Hon?  Why would jumping out of a plane result in more babies?"

She blushed and then answered in a half whisper, "You know. . . you and dad will be strapped together like when you . . ." and then she paused, glanced over her shoulder to look for hubs, and breathlessly finished, " . . . have sex!"

With difficulty, I contained my laughter, and explained, "Well, just hugging a person close is not the same as having sex.  You wouldn't get a baby from jumping out of a plane holding someone close."

Relief washed over her as she exclaimed,  "Oh!"

I chuckled at the way her mind worked, and thinking that our conversation was over, I went back to my morning coffee and emails.

Then she dropped the bomb.

"So what parts of the body do have to touch . . .exactly . . . to make a baby?"

Clearly, I have some more birds and bees explaining to do.

*******For other birds and bees explanations . . . see Basking in the Afterglow,  Lyrically Speaking,  and Visiting Santa.  (And no . . . Santa is not a pedophile . . .)******

And, after going through these links I realize ( even more) that I could use some help with the birds and bees explanations from any of you out there.  Help a girl out, won't ya? :)

Image: istock photo, Design by Bloggy Blog Designz Copyright © 2010