A Gift for Mother Nature for Mother's Day

Dear Mother Nature,

Mother's Day is coming up this weekend, and I thought that I would get you a gift.  (I am good like that.)  At first, though, I was perplexed.  I mean, really, what do you get for Mother Nature, the mother of all mothers?

Flowers?



redbudfarms.com



Umm. No!  You grow the most beautiful ones yourself.

Candy?



godiva.com



No.  Not quite right.  Although dark chocolate is such a treasure!

And speaking of treasures . . . what about precious gems?



Nope.  Again, you could make those yourself, deep within the earth.

But then I had a eureka moment!

Mother Nature . . . may I present you with your new Garmin GPS !

garmin.com

Because judging by the amount of rain that we have received lately, I think that you must be a little directionally challenged this year.  You must think that the Midwest is really a rain forest, and I am here to tell you, it is not! 

So please Mother Nature, use your Garmin well.  Locate the Midwest.  Locate the rain forests.  Notice that they are in two very different parts of the globe, and then, promptly redirect your weather and climate choices.


Sincerely awaiting the spring sunshine (and a dry basement),

Annie

PS  Just wanted to throw out there that we are in a recession.  The best way to keep your job is to do it well.  Just sayin'.





A Celebrity DO List

Dear celebrities,

I know that it is hard to be in the spotlight.

People with cameras follow you around.  Fans shout adoringly at you and ask you for your signature.  You make millions of dollars by reciting lines with flair, or by pouting, slouching, and walking down a runway in designer clothes.

How you even make it through your day . . . I'll never know.

So, to help you through your day, I have compiled a list of 10 positive things you can do to help with your torturous life.

1.  DO wear panties!
    You will be photographed getting in and out of cars.  You do not want your hoo-ha emblazoned all over creation.  Common sense, really.  (Lindsay?  Are you listening??)

2.  DO  take a prozac before going on Oprah.
     (Tom . . . this is for you . . .)  I know that it is exciting to meet and talk with the Queen of talk shows, but refrain from showing your exuberance by jumping on couches or exclaiming wildly with your hands.  You will scare Oprah, after all, and you will leave the rest of us thinking that you are nuts.

3.  DO  confiscate your date's smart phones and cameras.
    Confiscating your date's smart phone and camera will ensure that he or she does not snap photos of you worshipping the porcelain god.

4.  DO pay for your purchases.
     (Winona?  Pay attention!)  You have the cash.  Pay for it.  End of story.  Future jurors will not believe that you "meant" to pay but forgot.

5.  DO believe in mental illness. . .
     Because a few of you definitely suffer from it.  (Charlie?  Winning?!  Only if you are being diagnosed bipolar.  Oh, and Tom?  You too.)

6.  DO take a parenting class before you have children.
    Dangling your child off a balcony over a throng of fans equals bad parenting.

7.  DO realize that celebrity news is forever.
     Think that people forgot that you cheated on your first wife?  (Braaaad?  Yes, you.  We have not forgotten your indiscretion with Angelina when you were married to Jennifer.)  Nope.  We will remember the next time you screw up, because every news agency will drudge up past photos, quotes, and video clips of your mistake.  No amount of baby adopting or house building will ultimately erase your indiscretion.

8.  DO  have a sense of humor.
    Being a star makes you a target.  Why not have a sense of humor about it?  Julia, you did this beautifully when you played a role that required you to then imitate your star self (Ocean's 12).  Your sense of humor made us love you even more.

9.  DO respect the legal system. . .
    Because you will probably be involved with it in some form or another.  Having "F*** You" written on your middle fingernail during your hearing will not gain favor with the judge or the prosecution. (Lindsay?  Again?!?)  Just sayin'.

10.  DO  suck it up.
    Being a star means that you have to deal with paparazzi, and autographs, and fans, and the spotlight.  Suck it up.  Take the good with the bad.  We will love you more for it.

There.

Much better.

Hope this helps.

Sincerely,

Annie


Linking to Mama's! :)

Let it Grow, Let it Grow, Let it Grow . . . Obama Chia for Christmas

Each year, as the holidays draw near, I eagerly anticipate the joys of the season. 

I look forward to the yummy holiday dinners I share with my family.  (Let's face it. . . any meal that can combine potatoes and marshmallows is a winner!)

I look forward to the fun of holiday decor.  The bright colors and shiny decorations always bring a sparkle to my day.  (Although organizers of the nativity animal scene take note:  Please make sure that the donkeys refrain from playing "horseback" with each other while we visit your display.  Thank you very much!)

And,  as the days become more crisp,  I also look forward to holiday shopping.

I know.  I know.

You think that I am crazy.

And, truth be told, I probably am.   I just love hunting for a deal or a special memento to give to the ones that I love.  I like to give my friends and family members just a small token to let them know that I am thinking of them.

And this year, I have found a gem of a gift that I know that each and every recipient will cherish.

(And, if President Obama is not to your liking,  Joseph Enterprises also offers a Chia Lady Liberty and a Chia Abraham Lincoln.)



After all, it's the least that I can do to show that I care.



*******Author's note . . . Apparently, this little Chia is causing a great controversy.  He has been banned by Walgreen's stores according to a CNN report because he is seen by some to be "racist."  While that was not my take on the gift,  I can certainly appreciate and validate that opinion.  I just wrote this post to poke a little fun at those of us that take gift buying a bit too seriously, and because I thought that it was ridiculous to put any president on a chia pet.  I mean, how does a President of the United States rank with the likes of the Shrek or Scooby Doo chia?  Seriously?!?  That said,  when I first spied the Obama chia I did chuckle.  So, readers, I ask you.  Is the hoopla warranted?  Should Obama chia be banned, or are we all taking ourselves a bit too seriously?************

Here's a Story . . . of a Family Named Brady . . .

As kids,  my sister and I would often come home from school, plop ourselves down in front of the boob tube, and watch one of our favorite reruns, The Brady Bunch.

Picture from connect.in.com

What?

Stop laughing.

You know you watched it too.

We would watch as Jan felt shunned as the middle child, as Peter's voice changed, as the whole family got locked in an Old West jail cell, and as Greg battled a bewitched Tiki necklace on Hawaii.  Even though we had a close knit family, I know sis and I wondered what it would have been like to have brothers to antagonize and 6 kids to play with every day.  It seemed like the Brady home was one big play date where the kids sold shampoo that caused hair to turn green, and  they washed clothes with too much laundry soap creating a suds fest only a college student at a dark, smelly bar could dream about.

Seriously.

It was family life nirvana.

Looking back though . . . I have some serious problems with the Bunch.



Picture courtesy Brady Bunch Shrine.



For example,  Alice was the Brady's housekeeper and part of the family.  Why did Alice have to wear that ridiculous uniform all the time.  Was it a job requirement?  Was it a turn on for Mr. Brady?  (Scratch that!  I just remembered that Mr. Brady turned out to be gay, so I am fairly certain that Alice was not his type.)

Hmmm.

Or what about the fact that the entire Brady clan calls their housekeeper by her first name, Alice, (duh!) but Alice had to refer to mom and dad as Mr. and Mrs. Brady?

Isn't that a little snobby?



Picture from Brady Bunch Shrine

 And, what about Mrs. Brady?  As a housewife, what exactly does she do?   Alice cooks.  Alice cleans.  And Mrs. Brady does . . . anyone? Anyone?   If memory serves (and more often than not, it doesn't),  I remember her sitting at her kitchen table, sporting that mullet (YIKES!),  drinking a cup of coffee while Alice prepped dinner.

Now that I think about it,  Mrs. Brady had it pretty good. 

I wish I had an Alice.






Picture from Brady Bunch Shrine

 Finally, my thoughts wandered to the Brady kids, and now that I am a parent myself,  I wonder,  how in the world were those kids sooooooo squeaky clean?  Yes, the kids do get into trouble here and there, but never anything serious, and never any trouble that real kids get into these days.  Where was the trip to the principal's office?  Where was the sneaking out of the house?  Where was the sarcasm or backtalk of the teenage years? 

Nowhere!  That's where!

Maybe, on second thought, I should get the episodes on DVD to show to my own brood.  I think I'd much rather deal with kid that throws a football at his sister's nose than a kid that knows how to text better than I do.



And hubs, if you are reading?

My birthday is in a few days and I would really like . . . an Alice.

Just sayin'.

I am linking to Mama Kat's this week!  Hop on over and visit!! :)

Maybe I Should Be Dorothy Gale This Halloween . . .

What do Dorothy Gale and I have in common?

A love for sparkly, red shoes?



Picture from wizardsofcostume.com


                                                           Yes, of course,  but that's not all.

The ability to break into song when meeting a live scarecrow?

Picture from gonemovies.com

Well, no.  That would just be Dorothy. Although, I do sing a very lovely, if off-key,  version of Scarecrow's If I Only Had a Brain, especially when I lose my keys.

What about a herd of munchkins that follow us around offering us already licked-on lollies?



Picture from silive.com

Well, obviously that is true for both of us.  Although I am fairly certain that Dorothy's little people were always fully clothed and potty trained.  Just sayin'.

No, the main thing that Dorothy Gale and I have in common is that . . .

Picture from climate.umn.edu

we both survived getting into tornado ready position and lived to tell about it.

 

Although, truth be told,  I took some clues from Dorothy and did not retreat to my bedroom where I got bonked on my head by a shutter. Nope.  Not me.  Instead, when I heard the blaring tornado sirens, I grabbed my half-naked munchkin and hightailed it to the basement with my iphone. 

Grab what's important, remember?

Rest assured.  All is OK.  We just had a wild and crazy afternoon.

Elmo and Katy . . . Hot OR Cold????

You may know Katy Perry.


She sings the song California Gurls and Hot N Cold.


Catchy tunes. Very catchy.  In fact, Ellerie, my 2 year old,  loves to sing the Hot N Cold song.  She first heard it on the Chipmunk's The Squeakqual movie.


Well, Sesame Street picked up on the fact that Hot N Cold is a catchy song and that the kiddies seem to love it, so they paired up Katy Perry and Elmo for a video.  Fun, right?



Apparently, no.

In the video released on You Tube, Katy and Elmo sing as she wears a yellow bustier.  Check it out.

The video begins with Katy explaining that Elmo invited her over to play dress up and that she wore her dress up clothes.  After getting over one million hits on You Tube, some very vocal parents and critics criticized Sesame Street for Katy's outfit in the video.  Most critiques said that the yellow bustier was too sexually suggestive for young children.



Really?



I personally thought that it looked like a ridiculous dress up outfit.  Completely normal for the 3 to 5 year old set in my mind especially when I considered the following womanly icons that my little girls have loved.

Isn't Tink wearing a green bustier?  Or is that just me?

And what about Jasmine? Maybe Aladdin was all gaga for her teal bustier.  Just sayin'.



Holy Pocahontas!  Isn't Poca's outfit similar to Katy's?  I didn't see John Smith protesting.

Or what about Ariel?  Those sea shells look as if one wave could knock them right off.  Am I right?

Hmmmm.

Deep thoughts, huh?

My point is that I don't think that Sesame Street should have pulled the video so quickly because a group of parents objected to Katy's outfit, because when you look at other kiddie figures,  Katy's outfit doesn't seem so risque.

Although, if Sesame Street was looking for publicity . . .  the you tube video now has over 3,500,000 hits and Katy Perry spoofed the show on Saturday Night Live. So, if publicity was Sesame Street's goal, their PR man was genius.

Either that or Elmo may just be getting the cold shoulder.

 

****pics were from various websites but all ultimately were (and are) Disney icons*****

Tori Writes. Annie Rants.

I just watched an interview with Tori Spelling on the Today Show on NBC this morning.

You may remember Tori Spelling as Donna Martin from the 90's TV show, 90210. 

You may not.

Seriously, she is one of those "pseudo"stars.  You know the ones.  Actresses or actors that had 15 seconds of fame from a popular TV show or movie, but because they happen  to have famous parents or they happen to be savvy business people, they stretch those 15 seconds into hours and hours of semi-fame.  They may appear on a reality TV show that sweats off their pounds or dances their booty off.  They may "write" a book about their experiences.  Either way, their star power is a bit diminished and on the blink.

I watch them more out of curiosity rather than for their true star power.

But today Tori Spelling stepped over the line.

Her crime?


She wrote a children's book.


I know.  I know.  Writing a children's book is not a crime, per se.  Tori's crime was her explanation about why she wrote the book.


She responded to Meredith Viera's question, (and this is not a direct quote but what I remember from the interview,) "Well, Meredith,  I read to my kids every night.  So, I felt that I knew children's books, what worked and what didn't, so I just wrote one."

Really?

So, in Tori logic, because I have read good books and bad books, I can now be a successful author and writer.  Would that logic work for anyone?  If I go to an art museum and I observe the art and appreciate the good and the bad,  can I  then go home and paint a masterpiece? If I watch Dancing With the Stars each week and I appreciate the good dancers as opposed to the bad dancers, can I then presume to become a dancing queen?


The answer, dear Tori, is no.


The answer is no, because writing (and painting and dancing and sculpting . . .) is an art.

Good writing is filled with passion and drive.

It is filled with the author's feelings and thoughts and desires.

It pulls the reader into and inside a new world. 

It forces the reader to feel something . . .anything.


Good writing can not just be observed and then imitated.


So, Tori, your flippant words about how you nonchalantly just wrote a children's book, angered me.


It angered me, because I do have a passion for writing.  It consumes me, truthfully.  I write because I feel like I have to write.  I have to express myself.  I have to get it out.

I do not purport to be an authority on good writing, nor do I think that I am the best writer on the planet, but . . . I am practicing and working at my craft each and every day.

And with every word that I type, with every phrase that I create, I am living my passion.



I am becoming a writer.



I am becoming a writer . . . in spite of published authors like you, Tori.

Not Just Any Tom (or Dick or Harry) Makes My List

****I am linking this with Mama Kat this week.  Hop on over and check her out!

Dear Tom,

There was once a time when I proudly displayed your name on my Top 5 list.  Yes, that is right, back when you were on your first impossible mission, back when you were interviewing that vampire, you were one of my Top 5 freebie men.  If the timing had been right,  and if the two us had met somewhere out there, you could have been my celebrity hook-up that was approved by hubs, because, dear Tom, you were on my list.  In fact, at one point, you may have very well been my number one potential freebie, but no more, my friend.

No more.

I regret to inform you that your Top 5 status has been revoked, effective immediately.

The reasons for your fall from my status are as follows:

1.  You jumped on Oprah's couch.  Seriously,  what were you thinking?

2.  You fell "in love" with Katie Holmes.  Really?  I am sure that she is a lovely girl and all, but last time I checked, she was still swimming in Dawson's creek, and you, my dear, no longer have all the right moves. 

3.  You insulted Brooke Shields when she was down with post-partum depression.  That was some risky business right there buddy.  You are lucky that all of the post partum women of the world did not hunt you down with their top guns.

4.  You went on the Today show and said that psychiatry and mental illness were bogus.  My thoughts? You can't handle the truth that you may, in fact, have a mental illness yourself.

5.  And finally, you made your wife give birth silently and without drugs as per your Scientology beliefs.  I love my husband and all, but, let's face it, no man can silence this mouth,  and even a war of the worlds could not have kept me from my painkillers.  Any man that requires silence and no meds is not one of a few good men in my book.

So to recap, dear Tom,  you are no longer freebie list material.

I thank you for the past fantasies, but your status is far and away no longer needed in this household.

Sincerely,

Annie