"What are you eating you silly girl?" I asked her playfully as I picked her up.
And then I smelled it.
Ellerie is allergic to peanuts.
My heart sank and I went into mommy adrenaline mode. And, I am happy to report that with epi-pen, doctors, and much monitoring, Ellerie is just fine.
I can not say the same for her mom, however.
How can I explain how shaken I am?
In the heat of the moment, I did all the right things. I watched her vitals and when she appeared to go south, I got out that nasty needle, and I shot her beautiful, unmarred, chubby little leg. I didn't even hesitate.
So why, hours later, am I a mess?
Why as I gaze upon her sleeping little body, her curls matted against her sweaty forehead, why am I now frozen with fear? I keep repeating to myself, "She is OK," in the hopes that repeating it will help me believe it.
But, I don't believe it. Not really. I keep thinking about the what if's. Like, what if I hadn't arrived as she was chewing that cookie. What if I had been five minutes later? What if I wasn't able to administer her epi-pen? What if I didn't get her the proper medical attention in time?
It's enough to drive me insane.
For now, I will hold her close as she sleeps contentedly away. I will love all of her impish and devilish ways. And, I will appreciate that God has forever blessed me when he entrusted Ellerie to me.
Thank you dear lord.