Shaken and Stirred

Ellerie apparently was a bit lonesome today in the gym nursery.  So, when I arrived to get her, she was munching on something that a staff member had given her to calm her down.

"What are you eating you silly girl?"  I asked her playfully as I picked her up.

And then I smelled it.

Peanut butter.

Ellerie is allergic to peanuts.

My heart sank and I went into mommy adrenaline mode.  And, I am happy to report that with epi-pen, doctors, and much monitoring, Ellerie is just fine.

I can not say the same for her mom, however.

How can I explain how shaken I am?

In the heat of the moment, I did all the right things.  I watched her vitals and when she appeared to go south, I got out that nasty needle, and I shot her  beautiful, unmarred, chubby little leg.  I didn't even hesitate.  

So why, hours later, am I a mess?

Why as I gaze upon her sleeping little body, her curls matted against her sweaty forehead, why am I now frozen with fear?  I keep repeating to myself,  "She is OK,"  in the hopes that repeating it will help me believe it.

But, I don't believe it.  Not really.  I keep thinking about the what if's.  Like, what if I hadn't arrived as she was chewing that cookie.  What if I had been five minutes later?  What if  I wasn't able to administer her epi-pen?  What if I didn't get her the proper medical attention in time?  

What if?

 

What if? 

What if?

It's enough to drive me insane.

For now, I will hold her close as she sleeps contentedly away.  I will love all of her impish and devilish ways.  And, I will appreciate that God has forever blessed me when he entrusted Ellerie to me.

Thank you dear lord.

Thank you.