Thursday, September 10, 2009

Shaken and Stirred

Ellerie apparently was a bit lonesome today in the gym nursery.  So, when I arrived to get her, she was munching on something that a staff member had given her to calm her down.

"What are you eating you silly girl?"  I asked her playfully as I picked her up.

And then I smelled it.

Peanut butter.

Ellerie is allergic to peanuts.

My heart sank and I went into mommy adrenaline mode.  And, I am happy to report that with epi-pen, doctors, and much monitoring, Ellerie is just fine.

I can not say the same for her mom, however.

How can I explain how shaken I am?

In the heat of the moment, I did all the right things.  I watched her vitals and when she appeared to go south, I got out that nasty needle, and I shot her  beautiful, unmarred, chubby little leg.  I didn't even hesitate.  

So why, hours later, am I a mess?

Why as I gaze upon her sleeping little body, her curls matted against her sweaty forehead, why am I now frozen with fear?  I keep repeating to myself,  "She is OK,"  in the hopes that repeating it will help me believe it.

But, I don't believe it.  Not really.  I keep thinking about the what if's.  Like, what if I hadn't arrived as she was chewing that cookie.  What if I had been five minutes later?  What if  I wasn't able to administer her epi-pen?  What if I didn't get her the proper medical attention in time?  

What if?
What if? 

What if?

It's enough to drive me insane.

For now, I will hold her close as she sleeps contentedly away.  I will love all of her impish and devilish ways.  And, I will appreciate that God has forever blessed me when he entrusted Ellerie to me.

Thank you dear lord.

Thank you.


  1. Life is a matter of minutes, sometimes seconds. Thank you God for being vigilant and watching over our loved ones. thank you for those few precious seconds. Love, Dad.

  2. New to your blog, reading this post brought to mind all the fears I had with my son Noah when he was young. Also deathly allergic to peanuts and exotic fruit (pineapple, mango, papaya..)there were a few close calls when well meaning family members, day care providers etc forgot his allergies. Too many times I would wait for the epi-pen to do it's work as I prayed and held him close.

    Now he is 15, carries his own epi-pen, injects himself and is nonchalant about it. Cherish the time as it goes so fast....


  3. Annie, your mother just informed me about the above. There is no excuse for the mistake coming from a teacher's point of view. WE were so careful whenever we had children allergic to peanuts in our school. I know you will alert the school again about it. Thank God that you were there in the nick of time. I am getting a lump in my throat thinking also about the "what ifs". Divine intervention. I think so. Thank you God.
    Cousin Donna


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