Don't Get Your Panties in a Bunch!

I read an article recently that detailed the 6 kinds of panties that every woman should have in her drawer.  Apparently, to be complete, each and every woman needs to have in her panty drawer:

1.  A seamless panty (to avoid the dreaded VSP's or visible panty lines)

2.  The hipster. (The modern woman's go-to everyday panty, according to the article.)

3.  The boy cut panty.  (No.  I don't know why they recommend these.  Any woman with an ounce of curves knows that boy cut panties just ride up and give the ultimate wedgie.)

4.  A thong. (Yes.  I own one.  Yes.  There was a time when I wore it.  After three kids, my thong is more likely to be used as a slingshot by my resourceful son than as a piece of intimate apparel.)

5.  A nude panty.  (Again, to avoid seeing your panties through a sheer skirt or white pants.)

6.  The control top panty. (ooh!  The lovely workhorse of my mommy wardrobe.  The control top prevents the muffin top that results from the flab leftover after three, 40+ pound, pregnancy weight gains.)

So there you have it!  The list that every woman should have in her drawer to complement her wardrobe.  Unfortunately, this list is deceiving.  Real women, I say, probably have a drawer more like my panty drawer.  And, in honor of those real women out there, I provide you with the REAL LIST OF PANTIES in every woman's drawer.

1. The grandma panty.  Yes, these panties are probably worn by your grandma, but frankly, you don't care.  They are soft, cotton and  deliciously roomy.  Their largeness provides super comfort on those days when you are feeling bloated. (Like maybe you ate your weight in Krispy Kremes??  No?  That must have been just me.) These panties are secretly loved by real women everywhere and are equally despised by men for having absolutely zero ounces of sex appeal.  No matter!  They are a staple of real women's panty drawers.

2.  The holy (or should I say holey?) panty.  No, these are not your Sunday best panties. These panties come in a variety of styles and colors, but the one thing that they have in common is a hole. Yes ladies.  You can admit it.  Your panty drawer probably has at least one panty with a hole.  Now,  your hole may give a peek-a-boo shot of your tushie or it may be located in a more delicate region.  But regardless of the hole, these panties are your favorite for color or comfort or whatever, and you and I know that you will continue to refuse to trash them until they literally fall off of your body.

3.  The panties that don't fit but you hope that someday . . . they will again.  These old girls were at one time a favorite pair in your panty line-up.  Unfortunately, as age and the pounds creeped up, these panties began to slowly cut off your circulation to your lower appendages. Rather than walk around with numb toes, this pair of drawers was delegated to the lonely back of the panty drawer protocol where they collect dust and wait for the day when they can one day be put back into the rotation.

4.  The husband boxers.  These underwear are not necessarily worn as underwear, per se.  Instead, these boxers have been lovingly stolen from your husband's underwear drawer.  They are clean and boy-stain free.(Yes.  You know what kind of stain I am referring too!  As if you'd steal a stained pair?!?  Yuck!) They too are cottony, soft and roomy and are loved for their yummy comfort and the ability to be worn as pajama bottoms.

5. The memory panties.  These panties are rarely worn.  Instead, these panties are kept as a memory of a special shared time with the one you love.  Whether they be from the wedding night, a special anniversary, or just a steamy night, these lovely little panties always inspire a smile when you see them in the back of your drawer.

So, there you have it!  The real woman's panty drawer.  And, while I aspire to have the pretty panty drawer that the article describes, I am smiling content with my own actual panty drawer.  

Because, after all, real life always trumps fairy tales.

Happy Monday!