What's a Calgon Moment?

I gave the signal.

I raised  my eyebrow and slyly  glanced upwards.  

Hubby winked, nodded silently and gave me a thumbs up.  So, as kiddies were occupied by toys and homework, I sneaked up the stairs to attempt to do the impossible . . . 

bathe by myself.

You would think that this would be an easy task.  You know, just turn on the shower, lock the door, and let the water warm up.  Unfortunately, this scenario never happens.

First and foremost, because we live in an older home, we do not have a lock on the bathroom door.  Every time that we consider the obvious solution, installing a lock on the door, Paul reminds me of the time that Ethan, aged 2, locked himself into our old bathroom.  It took  30 minutes, several hundred curse words, and finally, a running start for hubby to break through the bathroom door, where a completely happy Ethan had stuffed the toilet with tissue.  The best part was when Ab looked at Paul and said with awe, "Daddy, you look just like Mr. Incredible!"  A priceless family memory, yes, but also too recent a memory to consider installing a lock.

Consequently, when I try to shower or relax in the tub, I have to be stealth.  I have to sneak to my bathroom, avoiding creaky stairs and dodging the kid infested areas of the house or the inevitable WILL occur.  They will come.  Just like in Field of Dreams when the little girl says to Kevin Costner with certainty, "People will come." and he instantly knows  that they will.  If I let on that I am venturing into the bathroom, THEY WILL COME.  It is a given.

So, it naturally follows that I have showered in various, albeit, odd situations.  Quite often, my kiddies come in to use the facilities while I am under the spray. I usually only discover this after that all too familiar fragrant aroma reaches my nose.  (That and their stifled giggles are a dead give away.)  It is sooooo nice to shower with such natural aroma therapy.  Yuck!  I have also showered with kiddies that appear naked as if from no where and climb right into the shower with me, all the while asking me thoughtful questions like, "Mom, why is there hair THERE?" and my personal favorite, "Mom. . . (pause) . . . your boobs are so nice and dangly!"  Dangly?!  Now there is a word that should never be used to describe one's breasts!  Earrings, yes.  Boobs, never! Or what about the times when I am asked to help with homework?  There have been more than a few times when Ab will come in, perch herself on the pot, and ask homework questions.  Never mind that hubby is usually right downstairs to help.  Apparently, I am the parent of choice.  Lucky me.

So, it goes without saying that my attempts to be sneaky failed, because shortly after the water started running, I had my first visitor, Ab.  She needed to use the facilities.  So, while I held my nose and attempted to wash my hair at the same time, visitor number two appeared, Ethan.  Before I could say anything, Ab piped in, "E!!!!! Get out!!! I'm pooping.  I need privacy!"  (Funny how they understand the concept of privacy when it applies to them, but not when it applies to dear old mom.)

"Ab!  You didn't use your manners.  You apost to say, 'E, will you please leave?' "

I silently agreed with him, kept washing, and listened for the next quip.  

"Still!"  Ab countered.  Still?!  The girl was going to need to step up her arguments if she was going to win against her smart alecky little brother.

"Still nothing, Ab.  I need mom anyway."

At this point, I was expecting the shower door to slide open so that he could ask me face to my  naked body, but instead I had my next surprise.  

"Honey?!"  It was hubby.  Now there were 4 of us in approximately 40 square feet, and I couldn't help but wonder where, oh where, the baby was during all of this.

As the shower door slid open with, "Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi!"  my question was answered as El climbed over the tub edge and jumped into the shower with me, . . . with all of her clothes on!

Realizing that this was a no win situation, I stripped the baby, shot the soggy diaper into the garbage, and barked at Paul, "What?!  What do you need?!"  (I think that I may have been a bit short, but hey, I was now showering and mothering to my whole family at the same time.  This wasn't the relaxing Calgon moment I had hoped for.)

"Oh nothing honey.  Just wanted to tell you that your mom is on your cell phone.  I'll leave it on the counter for you!"

And with that, I started laughing uncontrollably.  Three kids, a hubby, and my mom in my bath. At the same time.  It was too much.

I laughed and laughed.

It was either that, or cry.