So, here goes . . .
It was not me that allowed E to spend the day sans underwear, because I did not have the energy to run up the stairs with him at 7:30 am to find a pair. It was also not me that allowed a mountain of laundry to accumulate that then forced E into his "freeing" state. No way! Not me!
It was not me that drove through that drive-thru instead of cooking a nutritious lunch for the kiddies. No way would I do that! I am sure that if it were me, I wouldn't have felt the immense relief that comes with knowing that my kitchen remained clean for a few hours. . . (even if my car did not!)
It was not me that only painted my first two toes on each of my feet on Saturday night before hubby and I went out. No way! How ridiculous! Of course, those are the only two digits that show through the toe of my favorite peep toe pumps, so it does make sense. Hmmmmm! No way would I think of something that efficient.
Clearly, it could not have been me that swept crumbs under the couch, fluffed the pillows, and sprayed some air freshener near the front door in a mad dash before the baby sitter arrived. I would never be so worried about the appearance of cleanliness, especially since the house usually gets trashed during the sitter's visit. Ludicrous!
It was also not me that dodged a tele-marketer by pretending that someone was at my door. In no way did I feel a tiny bit of excitement at avoiding the inevitable sales call. No way! Not me!
And it was not me that burned the popcorn again. There is no way that I could burn the popcorn 257 times in a row. It is just not possible!
Finally, it was not me that finished off the BAG of Dove dark chocolates on a lonely, gray and cold Midwest winter afternoon. How could I? That would be like 1000 calories. I would never.
There. Honesty, in all of its glory .
I feel wonderfully unburdened, if a few pounds heavier.