Thursday, March 5, 2009

The Van of Milk and Honey

There was a woman that was arrested this week while driving through my area of the country.

Her charge?

Driving while breast feeding.

I kid you not.  Apparently, junior was in the back wailing his head off, and instead of stopping (or my personal choice, letting him cry for a few minutes), she just whipped out her boob and he commenced to suck.  Oh, I forgot to mention, she was also talking on her cell phone.

Now, lest you think that I am anti-breast feeding, let me set you straight.  I am most definitely PRO-nursing.  Yes, I believe that it is best for the baby, and yes, I know that it creates a bond between mommy and infant, but the real reason I am pro-breast is very simple.  I am slack.  So, when I had a screaming newborn in the wee hours of the morning, it was very easy for me to expose my titty, get the squirmy little one latched on, and then, go back to sleep.  I wholeheartedly admit it.  I nursed so that I could sleep more.  During those night of the living dead months, when survival was my first concern, I picked breast feeding because it came easily to me, it let me sleep more, and what else was I supposed to do with those enormous pornographic-like breasts?  I put them to work! (Much to hubby's chagrin.  I suppose he had other ideas for the old girls.)

So, I don't fault the lady for breast feeding her screaming kid, but instead, I am amazed that she could do it while driving.  Now, I don't know about you, but, I would say that I am a fairly good driver.  I obey most signs, and only speed when the occasion is needed ( a sale at the mall, perhaps?).  I am also very accomplished at multi-tasking while driving.  I can pass a chicken McNugget back to the kiddies, while talking on the phone, adjusting my mirror, and driving. I can apply lip gloss, yell at Ethan for wiping boogers on the car window, and change scenes on the kiddie DVD for Ellerie while I am driving.   Not everyone is this skilled mind you.  I have a gift.  But, breast feeding???  Even if I am on my A game for the day (Which is rare.  I am usually on a C+ or B- game on most days.), the thought of driving while a little one is sucking away makes me cringe a little.  And realize that this is coming from a woman who has breast fed her kids in the stands at both basketball games and football games, on airplanes, at the park, and  at various other locales.

I guess I feel like my van is the one place where those thirsty little milk suckers couldn't get to me.  Once they were strapped in and harnessed down, I knew it was break time.  The girls could relax,  I could sip a latte, and  we both could relish in their non working status, if only for a moment.  I could remember them as fun breasts instead of worker breasts, (a happy memory) and with kids straight jacketed into seats, I could have a few moments to apply mascara without little hands jarring me into making black caterpillar like markings on my eyelids.  Basically, once strapped in, my motto to the kiddies is, "Suck it up!"  (Not breast milk . . .  just the situation.) 

So, it was not me that was ticketed for driving while breast feeding, but someday if you read, "Woman arrested for applying make-up while driving with her knee"  be suspicious.  

I've probably been caught.

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