Monday, February 16, 2009

Suit Woes

I am dreading this afternoon.

You see, in anticipation of my Florida adventure this week, I have to do the inevitable.
I have to bathing suit shop.

There was a time in my life where I actually enjoyed suit shopping. A time when gravity was still my friend. A time when my boobs were high and my weight was low, and the sun would kiss my skin the color of caramel. In those days, suit shopping was easy. One piece? Two pieces? Black? Blue? Red? It really didn't matter. They all looked good.

Now, there are so many considerations to take into effect when suit shopping.

First and foremost is material. Not just the quality of the the suit material, but also the quantity. In my younger days, my suits probably resembled little more than a handkerchief and some dental floss. How I ever even got out of the house as a teenager was probably a veritable miracle or the fact that my dad is actually legally blind. Take your pick.  Anyway, dental floss just does not cut it when attempting to hold up boobs that have gained and lost 50 pounds with each of 3 different pregnancies. Something resembling a harness is needed to hold these old girls up. Cute little bows and simple ties can not and will not defy gravity anymore. Instead, I need something with at least five hooks in the back, something that has material thick enough to hide over aged titty hard-ons and something with material generous enough to cover the road map of veins that hide just under the girls' surface.

I also think that a good suit needs some properties of deception. A good suit needs to effectively disguise any stretch marks, camouflage any cottage cheese, and use effective smoke and a few fun house mirrors. This is in the hopes that you notice my fabulous smile, and not my fabulously drooping ass. Really, when it all comes down to it, most women would love a suit that acted more as a costume, giving you the body of say, Jennifer Anniston (a beautiful 40 year old) while still retaining your own head and face. This would take true magic. And if I were the Jantzen bathing suit company, I would employ Penn and Teller for some product development.

Finally, when shopping you have to consider something that most women completely forget about . . . lighting. Inevitably, department store lighting makes a woman's skin look an odd shade of green. So if the actual suit has not scared you sober, the sight of your hibernating winter skin will. Now, if you are already tan, this greenish effect is not as noticeable, but if you have been indoors for say MONTHS and your skin has been deprived of Vitamin D, it is not a pretty picture. That is why it is necessary to either fake bake (which I don't recommend after a few college friends forgot to remove the sanitizing strip on the bed and consequently had "This bed has been sanitized by . . ." tattooed across their backs.) or use self tanner. I say self tanner, because frankly, I prefer a shade of orange skin over a shade of green skin any day.

So, with these things in mind, I arm myself for the bathing suit battle.

Wish me luck. I'm going in.

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