A Spoonful of Humiliation with your Monday Coffee?

It is Monday again.

Monday. Monday.  Can't trust that day!

Case in point . . . a not me moment . . .

Clearly, it was not me who answered the door at 8:30 am, thinking that it was hubby that had forgotten something, only to be greeted by one of our remodeling consultants.  Correction.  One of our male remodeling consultants.   I certainly would have checked before I opened the door especially since I had on no bra and one of my husband's white t-shirts.  I would never disgrace the girls, or myself, for that matter, by allowing myself to be seen by the public with my breasts hanging down to my belly button.  I would never answer the door with my girls sagging away like men's tube socks with soup cans stuffed in the bottom.  No way!  Not me!  I would make sure that the girls were folded and pressed into submission into the harness that is my bra before opening the door to strangers.  (Because, that would be the right thing to do both for me and for my consultant's scarred eyes. )

Yep!  

Monday again.

I'm sure of it.

***** If you do not know what a not me moment is . . . hop on over to Mckmama's blog and check out some other not me's from cyber-land.  In short, a not me moment is any moment when you silently close your eyes, take a deep breath, and wish fervently that "This is not me!"  It's any embarrassing, humiliating, or just plain crazy moment in your day.  Hope your girls are at attention today when you are answering the door!  :)

Not Me! 9/14

After the insanity of Ellerie and the epi-pen last week, kitchen remodeling, and hubby's football schedule, I am pooped.

And it's Monday.

Not a good combination.

I need a real coffee ( Did I mention that hubby broke the coffee pot?  I loved, loved, loved that coffee pot.  I am currently in mourning sipping my instant coffee.  Yuck!), a dose of therapy, and maybe a chocolate donut or four to get me through.

Onto my Not Me! therapy . . .

It is not me that is wearing a pair of noticeably crooked glasses.  I would care about my appearance and realize that my outside reflects my inside.  No way would I wear a pair of glasses that Ellerie twisted.  When she popped the left lens out of the frame, I would have headed straight to the optometrist's office for a new pair.  No way would I be so cheap as to try to manipulate the lens back into the frame and twist the frame back into submission so as to gain a few more months with glasses that make me look like one of my eyebrows is permanently raised.

It is not me that  has dried macaroni and cheese, two dried green beans, and shriveled apple pieces on my dining room area rug from yesterday's meals.  I would have trudged through my tiredness and clean up that mess no matter what.  I would not have chose to snuggle with my kiddies before their bedtime instead of cleaning up the mess.

And, it was certainly not me that redirected Ellerie and her smelly diaper toward hubby instead of changing it myself.  Ridiculous!

It was also not me that consumed mounds of cheese, loads of salt, and enormous portions of chocolate this weekend in order to manage my stress.

Consequently, it couldn't be me that is as bloated as say . . . a house this morning.  I certainly didn't have to opt to wear my fat pants to bring the kiddies to school.  Nope! Not me!

So there you have it.

It's Monday.  I am drinking instant coffee, wearing broken glasses and donning fat pants.

Pretty picture?  No?!

I hope this is not foreshadowing for my week to come.

********Hop on over to MckMama's to read more not me drama.

Not My Child! Monday 8/24

Although I was not planning on writing a Not My Child post today, my kiddies have been such stinkers the past few days, that I decided, what the hey!  I will indulge myself and expose my kiddies and their insanity in the hopes that I do not eat my way through pans and pans of brownies  (see my last post) .

Onto the craziness . . .

It was certainly not my child that stripped down to his birthday suit to use the facilities at the local Home Depot.  My child would know that to get naked in such a public place is just, well, gross.  My child would recognize that his mom is a germ-o-phobe and that she gets completely weirded out about public bathrooms.  And, during our Home Depot moment when I shouted a hearty, "Hurry up E!"  my child would not have shouted back through the stall door and the industrial sized outer bathroom door for all of the male Home Depot employees to hear, "Why mom?  Do you have to poop too?"  Nope!  Not my kid.

And it was certainly not my girl that threw such a fit in the grocery store today that the manager came over to ask if he could help calm her down in some way.  Ellerie would never scream at the top of her lungs with a tantrum.  Nope.  No way!  It was also not my child that when presented with a balloon from the manager stopped screaming immediately, smiled a cherubic smile at him, and said very clearly, "Thanks!"  No, my child would not be bribed with a balloon.  Nor would she be able to turn her dramatics on and off like a light switch.  That would take talent.

It was also not my child that when asked her opinion about a new outfit I modeled said, "Mom!  That's totally unfashionable on you."  Pause.   "But it would look good on me!"  My child would not assume to have a fashion sense that is better than her mother's at a mere 8 years old.  Ridiculous!

There.

Just a snippet  of insanity from the last few days.

Now you know why I am craving the brownies.

Muggy Monday Not Me!

Let's just call this Monday, muggy Monday.

  

It was 77 degrees at 8 am this morning.    The dew point was 75.

Can you say sticky?  YEEK!

So as I sit here and drink my hot coffee on a too hot morning,   I  am now ready to divulge my hot-headed craziness of the past week in a Not Me! Monday post.  (For more, Not Me! insanity, hop on over to MckMama's blog and join in.)

It was not me that considered smacking a woman in the grocery store the other day.  (See ?  hot headed!)   I certainly would not have shot that woman a dirty look when she commented about Ellerie, "She's beautiful . . . (pause) but, heavy."  I would have realized that some people do not have control of their speech, and consequently say hurtful things.  I would not have let her one comment bother me when I know that El is just stinking beautiful, chubby baby-ness and all.

Ellerie and Ab posing for me.

(Truthfully folks . . . does she look heavy to you?  I just see all of her blond, cherubic loveliness.)

It was not me that continued to hang some accessories in my house without first patching holes in the plaster walls.  I would have patched those holes first and foremost.  I certainly wouldn't have strategically placed artwork and pictures over those holes.  Ridiculous!

It is not me that is having a hard time going back to the gym after all of our vacations.  I would realize the benefits of going to the gym, especially since I still hold a personal trainer's certificate.  I would not just sleep in each summer morning (enjoying my lovely sheets and fluffy comforter) and forgo the gym and exercise.  Not me!  Never!  And, knowing that I realize the benefits of gym participation, I would also not have eaten 2 brownies and one smore at our recent BBQ.  That would have just added salt to a wound and I know better!

It was not me that washed the same load of clothes 3 times, because I continued to forget to change the load from the washer to the dryer thereby causing the wet clothes to get a bit smelly.  I am more on top of the chores than that.

It was also not me that left the paint roller out for El to get after working on our kitchen remodel. Clearly, I am more responsible than that.

It was also not me that photographed the red paint on the new floor for posterity.  I would have seen no humor in it whatsoever!  Ha!

There.  

I feel much better after purging!

How was your week?

Not My Child! Monday

It is Monday and in the spirit of mixing it up, I will still be joining MckMama's crazy Not Me! therapy ride, but this time it will be a Not My Child!  Monday.  I think that I have enough material to write an entire book on the Not My Child! theme, so feel free to stop whenever you feel that your eyes start to cross or bleed from overuse.

Onto the insanity that defines my kiddies . . .

It is certainly not my child that continually likes to stick her chubby little fingers into her freshly pooped in diaper.  My child would not enjoy the feel of that gross poopie, and she certainly would not choose to paint with it whenever no one was looking.  My child would follow in her mom's footsteps and embrace a love of the clean smell of white vinegar and/ or chlorine bleach.

It is also not my child that still removes every stitch of his clothing each and every time he uses the facilities.   And, lord knows that my child would never strip down to his birthday suit even when we use public restrooms.  My child would also know better than to sit down on the public restroom floor while naked in order to redress himself.  Clearly, I would have taught my child the dangers of germs and would never have allowed such crazy behavior.

It was not my child that did not have her hair brushed for 3 consecutive days last week.

And, furthermore, it was not my other child that accompanied me to the grocery store while still in her summertime pjs.  Ridiculous!

Finally, it was not my children that decided to draw pictures in the remodeling dust that accumulated on our dining room table.  My children would use the proper tools like crayons and paper!

I am sure that I have many, many, many more, but these are just the ones that happened in the last few days.

Happy Monday!

***** The links are to more in depth stories about those specific Not My Child antics.

Not Me! Vacation Edition

It is Monday, and I have some dooozies for the Not Me! carnival of therapy today.  If it gets too much for you, may I suggest that you step away from your screen, catch your breath, and return when you can.  Remember!  I have warned you!

On to the insanity . . .

It was Not Me that advised E to add his part to the water balance in the Atlantic Ocean rather than walk all the way back to the beach house to use the facilities.  Clearly, I would not have advised my five year old to pee in the ocean rather than the toilet.  I would never!  I would also not have laughed as I witness his shocked face turn to pure glee as he realized that I was actually serious. Nope!  Not Me!

It was also not me that attempted to bake a Fourth of July treat and almost poisoned the family with chemical fumes.  I would have checked that the oven was not being used for snack storage before I turned it on to preheat.  I would never have melted 5 bags of snacks in their  plastic snack bags all over the oven.  Ridiculous!

It was not me that ordered fried oreos  (Yes, you read that correctly.  Fried. Oreos. Ummmm. Heaven???)  on the boardwalk under the guise that the kiddies needed to try new things on vacation.  It was not me that walked down the boardwalk with a look of pure pleasure on my face as I munched happily on that hot and sweet, fried doughy goodness.  It was not my children that begged me to get a second order of the treats after they scarfed down the first order with me in about 2 minutes flat.  They would never get off on such junk food.  Neither would I.

It was not me that promptly googled a calorie count for a fried oreo when I returned from the boardwalk.

It was also not me that fainted when I saw the dreaded calorie count.

I t was not me that allowed dear Ellerie to have her very own ice cream.  It was also not me that allowed her to solely feed herself the said ice cream.  It was not me that laughed with El as she dumped the soupy, melted contents on her head and then licked the drips as they ran down into her mouth.  Nope! Not me!  I would realize just how much of a mess ice cream in your hair creates.  I would never indulge a kiddie for my own enjoyment.  Silly!

It is not me that is loving being on vacation.

There! 

Much better!

On to week two of vacation . . .

Not Me June 29th

Well, just because I am on vacation, does not mean that I do not have some secret divulging to do.  My sanity has definitely been tested this week, and I am readily willing to gain a little free therapy.  So, being that it is Monday, I will follow in the MckMama tradition of posting a Not Me! Monday post.  

On to the craziness . . .

It was not me that considered giving El benadryl to make her sleep for a portion of my 11 hour solo car ride.

It was also not me that decided that drugging my child was not a good decision, despite the beneficial side effects that it might provide.

It was not me that forgot to pack E underwear for our hotel stay.

Clearly, it was also not me that convinced him that not only was it OK to go commando, it was a healthy thing to do once in awhile.  It was also not me that cringed when E then said to the clerk at the fast food chain that he was being healthy . . . he wasn't wearing any underwear.

It was not me that dragged two twin mattresses into my vacation bedroom so my kiddies were not scared to sleep so far away in a new and unfamiliar place.  I would know that the kiddies would survive just down the hall without me.  I would never resort to such manual labor in the name of peaceful uninterrupted sleep.  Ridiculous!

It was also not me that almost lost her bathing suit top as I ran down the beach to rescue a run away float.  I would make sure that the old girls were secured high and tight before attempting a sprint.  That would be the logical thing to do, of course.

There.

Much better.

On to this week's vacation insanity . . .

Not Me! June 15th

It is Not Me! Monday . . . 

and . . .

so far so good.

After getting up at 7 am I have already had my coffee (with cereal, but I did think about my beloved Krispy Kremes), cleaned the kitchen, worked out at the gym, made the kiddies breakfast and lunch, and brainstormed with the kiddies about our A-Z summer (more about that later).

I have been quite productive today, much to my surprise.  And, I am wondering if it is because hubby went in to work today?

Hmm.

Anyway, with so much done already and the day looming before me, I actually have a moment to divulge my last week's craziness in order to start this week refreshed, renewed, and reasonably sane.  Onto the craziness . . .

It was not me last Wednesday that walked around for the better part of the day with a spot of guacamole on my favorite teal T shirt.  I would have realized that I had spilled the guacamole while I was shoveling it in my mouth during lunch. (A move that I have perfected in order to keep E from devouring the entire bowl before anyone else can eat!)  I would have glanced at myself in the mirror at least once during the afternoon, so that I would have found that the green stain was displayed proudly on my left nipple region.  It was not me that then wondered what exactly the banker, the grocery clerk, and the gas station attendant thought of the said green nipple stain.  I wouldn't worry about such things!

It was also not me that grabbed my teal t-shirt this morning to wear to the gym, forgetting that the guacamole stain did not come out in the laundry.  It was also not me that was horrified when I spied my green nipple in the gym's numerous mirrors.  Ridiculous!

It is still not me that is  wearing the offensive shirt.

It was also not me last week that attempted to quiet a melting down El at the grocery store with a cookie, a cracker, and then a sandy and crumby piece of candy from I don't know when (or where for that matter)  located at the bottom of the abyss that is my purse.  I would never resort to bribery!  Never!  Clearly, it could not have been me that hoisted a screaming and wriggling El up and over my shoulder, left my grocery cart, and ran out the store's door when the bribery did not work.  That would be just silly!

It was not me that considered never shopping at the above grocery store again.

Finally, it was not me that trashed one of hubby's shirts when I discovered that something in the dryer had melted onto it.  I would never have rationalized that since hubby has approximately 217 other shirts to choose from that he would not miss that particular one.  Nope! Not me!  I would take the time to check every pocket of every pant leg that makes it into my washer and dryer.

Isn't that what everyone does? Every time?

Happy Monday!

Not Me! June 8th

Are you ready?

I am.

My last week has been pretty crazy, what with doctor's visits, bouncing checks, and a kitty's trip to heaven.  Needless to say, I am more than ready to divulge all of my week's insanity.  And, if it doesn't make me feel better, at least it will provide a little comic relief.  

On to Not Me! Monday for June 8 . . .

It was not me that had to run after El twenty seven times last Tuesday at E's tee-ball game.  I would have realized that a spirited 19 month old and a baseball field do not mix.  I would have also realized that upon seeing E man 2nd base and then wave, El would have immediately started screeching "Da-den!  Da -den!" and then she would have ran for her dear brother Ethan (Da-den).  Apparently, I would have figured out that El is a budding baseball player as she hugged the bag and threw a tantrum in front of two teams and their parents.  

It also couldn't have been me that sprinted out to rescue E from hurricane El, and in the midst of my sprint, peed my pants a little bit.  That would never happen to me!  I  would still have a bladder of steel even after three 50 pound pregnancy weight gains and delivering several 9 pound babies.

I am also still not wearing a safety pinned bra.

Ridiculous!

It was also not me that felt very thankful for graduation parties yesterday.  I would have felt thankful and proud of the graduate's accomplishments instead of lucky that the family scored a free bbq meal that I did not have to cook.  That would have been very ungrateful of me!  So clearly, it was not me!

And when dear Sammy went to heaven, and hubby and I were calming down after blubbering over him for many minutes, it was not me that laughed hysterically when hubby remarked with a bit of relief, "At least I don't have to clean up cat litter anymore!"  I would have respected Sammy's untimely death and remained composed instead of hooting and hollering with laughs.

I also would not have lost control of my bladder, again, while laughing.  

And if I did,  I would not have laughed harder, thereby subsequently leaking more pee.                        

Silly!  Who leaks pee as an adult? Obviously, not me. 

I couldn't afford another person in diapers.

 

Not Me! Do Over Day

I am fairly certain that it is Monday again. (Although there are times that I do forget which day it is, and honestly, I never know the actual date.  ) This week's Monday brought several early a.m. wake ups from a sick kiddie, a trip to the doctor's office, and no clean undies that I could find in my mountain of laundry.  An auspicious start to the day, don't you think?  Anyway, today is a Not Me!  Monday, a post idea made famous by the fabulous blogger MckMama.  On a Not Me!  Monday, you are supposed to be brutally honest about all of the craziness that occurred in your life the previous week.  In doing so, you will feel cleansed, refreshed, and ready to start the insanity again.  Try it!  It's almost like a do over when you were a kid playing kickball.   Even if you flubbed your kick and completely missed the ball ( and what a loaded metaphor that is!), you can call "Do over!" and try again.

Wouldn't life be nice if we could employ the do over more often?

Alas . . . I digress.

Onto my therapy . . .

It was not me that burned the garlic bread at dinner last night.  Clearly, I would have used a timer after burning approximately 4,792 other loaves of garlic bread.  I would also have not turned the broiler on HIGH instead of the gentler, less likely to burn, LOW setting.  Nope! Not Me! It was also not me that was applauded by my family for my uninterrupted run of burning the bread record.  Ridiculous!  Who applauds burnt bread while the smoke alarm is wailing in the background?  Not me!

It also was not me that decided to wear a tanktop sports bra to the gym the other day to show off my beginning-to-be-sculpted shoulders.  I would never be so vain!  It could not have been me that when taking my weights class at the gym that day did  an overhead press and noticed that while my shoulders were looking better each day, I had forgotten to shave my underarms in the shower that morning.  Clearly, I would have remembered such an important task and I would never have exposed my fellow exercisers to the forest that was growing in my pits.  I am more polite than that!

I most certainly did not ignore the smelly diaper aroma emanating from El's little bottom after realizing that my hubby would be home in five minutes and that he could change her.  I would never postpone a diaper change and risk a rash on my baby's cute little bottom, because I just couldn't stand the thought of one more poopy mess.  That would be so very selfish and un-mom like for me to do.  It couldn't have been me!

 It was also not me that decided to clean out the back of my van and then left the trunk open for the entire evening, and the entire neighborhood to view.  I clearly have enough space in my brain to remember to close the van door after I was done cleaning it.  Therefore, it could not have been me!  Silly!

Finally, it was also not me that blamed the kiddies for the said door when my nice neighbor came by to let me know it was still opened at 10 PM.  I would have taken full responsibility for my actions!  

There!

Much better!

And now to begin my do over for this week. . .

Update to Not Me!

After divulging my static cling panty moment from last week in yesterday's post, a friend shared this gem to cheer me up. . .

"At least your stow away panties were pretty, lacy panties.  It could have been worse.  They could have been granny panties or stained ones."

Amen sister!  Indeed, they could have been.  We all know that on some days those grannies are a necessary evil.  They are our work horse panties, and panties that should certainly never, ever be seen, even if it is only in a static cling moment.

So, my black lacies may have been on display, but I am learning to be OK with that.  At least E didn't bring them to show and tell for his black color day.

Oh, and mom . . . in case you were wondering, I had on two clean pairs of undies that day.  

So, I was doubly safe in case of a car accident!

Not Me! Memorial Day

It is Monday again, and this Monday did not start as a usual Monday.  Because of Memorial Day, there was no evil alarm clock, no rushing to brush knotty hair, and no gulped down toast on the way out of the door.  Instead, I had leisurely coffee with yummy french vanilla creamer, I read the entire newspaper, and I ate a whole wheat English muffin with melted butter. (Do not even talk to me about margarine!  Fake fat?!  I mean, seriously, if I am going to consume fat, it is going to be the good stuff.  Full fat.  Full flavor!  Yum!)  The kiddies slept until 9 am and hubby went golfing in the early am hours, so the house was quiet and comatose.  A beautiful morning all in all, and a great preview of the summer mornings to come.

Bring it on, I say.

I am ready!

Like most Mondays, I will divulge my secrets to you in the form of a Not Me! Monday, a posting idea made famous by the fabulous blogger MckMama.  A Not Me!  Monday is the one day of the week where you are brutally honest with yourself in the hopes that you can fend off a trip to the psychiatrist's office.  Purging the craziness allows for a fresh outlook for the upcoming insanity of the week.  With that said . . .

Onto my free therapy . . .

It was not me that on E's last day of preschool was running late to pick him up.  I would certainly have allowed enough time for a decent shower after my trip to the gym.  I would not have hurriedly threw clothes on, ignoring the fact that my shorts were a bit snug.  It also couldn't have been me that after running into E's school building and gathering a few looks from other on-time mommies, noticed that the reason my shorts were snug was that a stray pair of my black lacy underwear had hitch hiked a ride inside my short's leg.  It also could not have been me that was mortified that the stow away undies said in bright pink on its band, "Victoria's Secret PINK!"  Ridiculous!  I would never suffer from static cling, nor do I  worry about what other mommies think of my undies.  That would be a waste of my time, don't you think?

It was also not me that served my kiddies macaroni and cheese three times last week.  I would recognize that macaroni and cheese is not an every day meal, but a sometimes meal.  I also would not have been caught eating the said macaroni and cheese out of the pan with a serving spoon.  I know that I am supposed to be watching my calories, not watching my calories grow.

Clearly, it could not have been me that discovered when writing my bills that I had no more checks.  I would have been more fiscally responsible and ordered my checks weeks ago when I noticed that they were becoming scarce.  I would not have spent close to $40 to rush order more checks so that I could pay my bills in a timely manner.  That would have been frivolous for me to do.  Silly!

It was also not me that found an extra book of checks in my secret hiding place for emergencies . . . three days later.

Finally, it could not have been me that did absolutely no laundry for 4 days straight just because  . . . well, just because the weather was so beautiful.  Clearly, a family's laundry is important.

But, . . .

it just can't be me that thinks that it isn't that important.

Oh well, off to the rest of my day!