Friday, May 7, 2010

To Ethan on his Birthday

Dear Ethan,

Six years ago you made me the mom of a boy. What a wonderful (and exhausting) experience! Just so that we keep our records straight, I thought we should peruse the list that I keep in your baby book. I want to make sure that we are in complete agreement when it comes time for you to make arrears. I have enclosed the list below.

Ethan's Expenditures . . .

1. One cell phone. Flushed down the toilet. The verizon people were not happy when I told them it had been swimming in poo.

2. One cell phone. Thrown in the washer when you were "helping" with laundry.

3. One toilet. After you flushed the spring loaded toilet paper holder, it "sprung" open in the toilet causing a poo dam. No snake or plumber could figure out what exactly you had flushed and why it was causing such a backup. Only after your father removed the toilet, brought in in the backyard, and had at it with a sledgehammer did we find out about the tp holder. We had several beers over the shards of porcelain that night in the backyard.

4. One dvd player. This died a very violent and painful death after you stuffed a peanut butter sandwich in it.

5. One bedroom door. After you locked yourself in your sister's bedroom and we could hear your wicked giggles through the door, we tried in vain to remove the doorknob. When the 70 year old knob proved to be unremovable, dad was forced to break down the door. You clapped in delight.

6. One bathroom door. I really should have realized how much you liked your previous experience, because soon thereafter, you did it again. This time it was the bathroom, and when we called to you to unlock the door, you giggled and said, "Nooooooo!" We tried the lock, again, to no avail. Finally dad used a running start and broke down the bathroom door too. Your sister said, "WOW! Dad looks just like Mr. Incredible!" You laughed even as we put you in time out. From that point on, we put dry washcloths over the door hinges to prevent you from closing the doors.

7. One 39 inch TV. I should have realized that it was your target after I found 11 DVD's shoved into the slit that held the door to hide the power buttons. I did not, however. Once the dvd's were removed, you stealthily stuck your straw from your juice box in the same slit and you juiced the TV's electrical board. I didn't notice the damage until the TV turned on by itself and then randomly turned channels and increased and decreased its own volume. At first, I thought it was possessed, but then I remembered the skill of my baby boy. You had struck again. Dad wasn't too upset, because he got to purchase a much-too-big flat screen TV to replace the one you destroyed.

8. One phone line. This was discovered one day when our phone was dead. Our internet connection was also non-existent. Imagine my surprise when the phone repairman followed the line from the wall behind the furniture to the place where you had cut right through it with your lefty safety scissors. You said you were "Practicing" for school. You were such a good student!

So, all in all, at 6 years old, you have probably cost us an extra $2000. You can pay me back by having a few adorable grandchildren that will raise hell and torture you just as you have done to me and your dad.

And always remember, that no matter how much you have cost us, the joy, the laughter and the smiles that you bring to our life are priceless my boy, priceless.

We love you!

Happy 6th Birthday!




  1. Ethan has brought you a very lively life. Peanut butter sandwich in DVD, cell phone down the! Have a great mother's day.

  2. What a beautiful, if cringe-inducing, post! Your son sounds like a real handful but I know he's worth it. Happy birthday to him and congratulations to you, Mom! Enjoy your Mother's Day!

    Visiting from SITS!

  3. Boys! I tell you. Their energy and curiosity is amazing and quite frustrating. But it those hellions that grow up and change the world! Happy Birthday to your boy!

  4. This is only the beginning. Think cars. UGh

  5. Sounds like Ethan is doing a great job!!! lol Happy birthday!!!



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