Annie . . . Phone Home

Dear Verizon,

It has become clear to me that during our 6 years together, our relationship has been rather one-sided. A normal relationship consists of a mutual give and take. Unfortunately though, I give, give, give you my money and you take, take, take it. In order for our relationship to continue, you need to give me the following items . . .

1.) A working phone. Simple enough concept. If you want me to continue to give you money to use your phone, then the phone MUST work. Silly. I know. Phones that lose their signal, phones that die after being dropped from my purse, phones that can not withstand the grubby fingers of a two year old, or phones refuse to ring are not acceptable.

2.) Good customer service. This does not include being put on hold for extended lengths of time only to be connected with a computer automated voice. This does not include "helping" me by connecting me with someone that does not speak English. This does not include offering to "upgrade" my service instead of properly fixing the service I already pay for. This does include answering my questions patiently and with courtesy. This does include speaking with me without rolling your eyes, sighing, or sneaking in a snarky comment. And, if I am actually in your store seeking help and you offer my kids a lollipop bribe so that we can finish our transaction, I will probably swoon with delight. Just sayin'.

3.) A contract that does not require me to sign over my first born child - or - cut off an appendage -or- mortgage my house to pay it in full each month. Enough said.

4.) The option to have an iphone. Yes. I know that currently ATT and Apple are in cahoots. And, yes. I know that you have the Blackberry and other gadgets. But, let me say this loud and clear, your gadgets and apps ARE NOT IN THE SAME LEAGUE with the iphone. My phone with a touch screen might as well be singing MC Hammer's Can't Touch This. The screen is like a leper colony. Seriously. It does not compare despite what your salesman pitched.

5.) Valid phone insurance. After kid number 2 flushed one of my phones, you offered me "insurance" for my phone. For 5 dollars a month for the life of the two year contract, I could get insurance on my phone. When I asked if that meant I would get a replacement for free, you said no. The replacement would be only $50. So, let me get this straight. If I pay you for 24 months, $5, for a total of $120.00, then I can purchase a phone for $50? I may not be a mathematician, but isn't that $170 for a replacement phone? Really?? This is insurance?? I guess I really want to know how many people take you up on that offer.

So, dear Verizon, do you think that you will be able to give me what I need? If not, I just may be reaching out to touch ATT the next time.

Your customer,
Annie