Monday, May 3, 2010

I Love You, but I Want To Kill You

****************I am linking this to Travis' Memoir Monday! Go visit him and the others. They are a hoot. Really. ******************
Hubs and I spent the weekend installing our new kitchen cabinets.


We are still married despite this.

Even though there were a few challenges like mismeasurements and oddly placed electrical outlets, we survived them and each other.

Not bad.

Not bad at all, I say.

After all, we have definitely been through worse. In fact, six years ago this week, my lovely Ethan was born, and it was a miracle that hubby survived that one.

A miracle, I tell you.

Since Ethan is our second child, we were much more relaxed going into the laboring process. In fact, when my obstetrician recommended I meet him at the hospital after one of my weekly appointments, I did not panic. Instead, I agreed, and immediately called hubs. Being that it was May and we were having beautiful spring weather, he was at the golf course.

"Honey, are you ready?" I asked.

"For what?"he replied.

"Ummm. The baby?" I reminded him.

"The baby?!?" he excitedly repeated. "When?"

"Well, I am supposed to go over to the hospital this evening because my blood pressure was up," I explained.

Then, there was an uncomfortable pause. "Oh, " he said, and I knew what was coming. "Well considering how long your last labor was, do you think I can finish golfing before I go to the hospital?"

So, there you have it. I was about to give birth to our second child, and the man wanted to finish his golf round. Par for the course, of course.

Truthfully, I didn't mind that he wanted to golf. He is not the most patient of men when it comes to waiting, and laboring with child usually involves lots and lots of waiting. So, he met me at the hospital when I was already 5 centimeters. I received my epidural and was feeling quite fabulous. (Thank you God for anesthesiologists and epidurals. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you!)

A few hours later, it was time to push, and push I did. Hubs assumed his position next to me and coached me by counting to 10 over and over. All was going well, until I began to feel something . . . and that something was pain. Intense pain. Fire in my crotch pain. Base on my past experience, I knew that something was not right.

"This HURTS!!" I yelled.

The nurse tried to reassure me with, "Of course it hurts. We want to make sure that you can feel enough to be able to push, but the epidural should be taking the brunt of the pain away."

I nodded, turning red and tried to remain calm. "I know that it is supposed to hurt a little, even with an epidural, but THIS REALLY HURTS!"

Hubs tried to reassure me, "Honey, you can do this! Just like last time, focus and push!"

I interrupted him enough to yell, "This is NOT like last time! THIS HURTS LIKE HELL! SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING!!!"

The nurse paused and checked the epidural monitor, "You are at your maximum level for meds. You just need to relax."

I was infuriated. No one was listening to me, my hoo-ha was burning like a hot poker, and the last thing on my mind was relaxing. In fact, I felt like killing someone.

It was then that a look of terror washed over hub's face. I knew that he knew something and, that that something wasn't good.

"What?! What?! What?!" I screamed.

He said nothing, but instead bent over, and with shame, he picked up my epidural line off of the floor.

Yes. That's right. Hubs had pulled my epidural line out of my back. While I was in labor. WITH HIS CHILD. I wanted to strangle him right then and there with that very line. I really did.

Apparently, during all of my pushing and breathing and his intense coaching, he had inadvertently stepped on my epidural line and disconnected it from the catheter in my back. Consequently, I had been receiving none of the glorious and wonderful painkillers that I loved. By no choice of my own, I was laboring with my baby au naturale. Not fun my friends. Not fun at all!

And . . . I was legitimately in PAIN!

As hubs tried to apologize over and over, I kept screaming at the nurse to "Putitbackin! PUTITBACKIN!! NOW!"

Unfortunately, I quickly found out that although she reconnected the line, my baby was crowning and minutes later, I delivered all 9 pounds and 1 ounce of baby Ethan without the benefit of epidural.

All because hubs screwed up.

Moral of the story . . .
If we are still married after that, we can survive anything.


  1. OMG! 9 lbs! No wonder. Egads, woman, you are a rock star. Awesome memoir Monday post!

    Just so you know...I feel your pain...mine was au naturelle as well for a different reason...they forgot to give me meds. I wanted to kill someone, too. She was only 6 lbs, tho.

    Great story! On the golf note, that is definitely something my husband would do as well. LOL.

  2. Wow, that is all I can say. I had a 10 lber and couldn't imagine life without epidural. You are my hero!

    Stopping in from SITS!


  3. Can I just say that I LOVE your blog. You are always so funny! No Epidural is NO LAUGHING matter!! My last baby, I went in at an 8 and they told me that I wasn't going to have an epidural. I told them that I don't have babies without them. So they gave me one to appease me, but it didn't work...NOT AT ALL!! Grrrrrrrr.
    Hey, I left you an award on my blog. Not sure if you do awards, but you have one at my place! Again, love your blog!

  4. i don't have any children yet, but this makes me okay with my husband saying he doesnt want to be in the delivery room. or maybe i just won't have kids. ;) love your blog.

    visiting from sits!

  5. And this was the last time Hubs ever heard the words, "PUT IT BACK IN!"

    So sad.

  6. In case you do not know it, Annie is petite, very petite so a 9 pounder was a big deal, a very big deal. She taught her exercise classes... I think up to the last month so she was in good physical shape. She continues to amaze me every day.
    Annie's Mom

  7. Oh god I would have killed my husband!

    Stopping by from SITS!

  8. My epidural didn't work and I could feel everything on my right side. The only benefit was that I could use the bed pan after having getting it. My baby was under 5 pounds but still...I couldn't imagine a 9 pound baby with no epidural.

    Stopping by from SITs.

  9. I yi yi. You deserve a really, really nice Mother's Day present. (My epidural "didn't take" with my first but I can't blame that one on my husband. Believe me, I tried.

  10. I'm going to tell you something that should make me your hero, Annie.

    I had three children, 7 lbs. 4oz, 8 lbs, 8 oz, and 9 lbs, 4 oz ..... all naturally. No pain medication. Not even a drop.

    And yes. I am nuts. Entirely. NUTS.

    Congratulations on staying married. ;)



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