Caught in the Tentacles of Life

I don't think that I am cut out to be the mom of a little boy.

I mean . . . when Ethan ran his hand along a car's bumper in a mall parking lot and then licked his hand, I was utterly grossed out . . . but OK.

When Ethan pulled dirt, grass, sticks and stones out of his jeans pocket and then placed them on my dinner table . . . during dinner, I was repulsed, . . . but I didn't flinch.

When my boy removed every stitch of his clothing to use the bathroom, despite the fact that we were in public, despite the fact that we were in the Atlanta airport, I was horrified and wanted to douse him with Chlorox, . . . but, I survived.

But, when it comes to the birds and the bees, and boys . . .

I am not so good.

Recently, Ethan plodded into the bathroom to use the facilities. After a few minutes, I heard his familiar, "Mom!" so I trudged to the bathroom to see what was the matter.

"What's wrong buddy?"

"Mom, what are these things?" he said pointing to his male member.

"What things?" I asked innocently.

He fired back, "Maaaa- ooom!" with exasperation. "These things! There are two circle things under my pee pee. What are they?"

"Oh," I said, figuring it out. I decided to just use the correct terminology and be very matter of fact, even though the last thing that I wanted to be doing was discussing his male anatomy. "Well E, those are your testicles."

"Oh," he replied.

"Oh?" Maybe I was home free, I thought. But, I was wrong.

"What are they for mom?'

A thousand inappropriate thoughts flew through my head . . . but I reigned them in, and went with, "Well, they are boy parts that someday will help you to be a daddy." Then, I busied myself with folding a fallen towel, and I scurried out of there.

Later, when hubs got home, E, hubs and I were in the living room alone. I thought about our birds and bees conversation and decided to get hubby in on the action. After all, he deserves to be just as uncomfortable as me, right? I am a good parent like that.

"Ethan. Why don't you ask Daddy what you were asking me about today in the bathroom?" I figured it would be better coming out of his mouth.

Ethan's face lit up when he realized what I was talking about, and he said, "Dad, I have tentacles on my pee pee!"

Tentacles?!?!

I almost wet myself from laughing!

Hubs, however, remained composed, and said, "Tentacles? I think you mean testicles, right bud?!"

E laughed and nodded.

And I thank God for two things.

1) I have a hubby that is OK with the birds and the bees.

and

2) He did not teach E any other choice euphemisms for testicles.


Tentacles are bad enough.