Sunday, January 16, 2011

Bunching Up My Panties

It is January and that means a few things around here.

1. It is ugly cold.  And, by that I mean that there is absolutely no way to be pretty when you are clothed in 47 layers, and thereby, you are ugly.  (Take heart.  So am I.)
2.  Krispy Kreme is giving out coupons for free donuts.  I take turns alternately loving Krispy Kreme and hating Krispy Kreme for that very reason.
3.  I am in an organizing and de-crapifying mode (a word coined by the Thrifty Decor Chick).

Today, I tackled my closet and drawers.  And, as I was surrounded by a sea of my panties and bras, I was reminded of the following post I wrote ages ago. 

Who knew that I'd have so much to say about panties?
Originally posted 10/2009

I read an article recently that detailed the 6 kinds of panties that every woman should have in her drawer. Apparently, to be complete, each and every woman needs to have in her panty drawer:

1. A seamless panty (to avoid the dreaded VSP's or visible panty lines)
2. The hipster. (The modern woman's go-to everyday panty, according to the article.)
3. The boy cut panty. (No. I don't know why they recommend these. Any woman with an ounce of curves knows that boy cut panties just ride up and give the ultimate wedgie.)
4. A thong. (Yes. I own one. Yes. There was a time when I wore it. After three kids, my thong is more likely to be used as a slingshot by my resourceful son than as a piece of intimate apparel.)
5. A nude panty. (Again, to avoid seeing your panties through a sheer skirt or white pants.)
6. The control top panty. (ooh! The lovely workhorse of my mommy wardrobe. The control top prevents the muffin top that results from the flab leftover after three, 40+ pound, pregnancy weight gains.)

So there you have it! The list that every woman should have in her drawer to complement her wardrobe. Unfortunately, this list is deceiving. Real women, I say, probably have a drawer more like my panty drawer. And, in honor of those real women out there, I provide you with the REAL LIST OF PANTIES in every woman's drawer.

1. The grandma panty. Yes, these panties are probably worn by your grandma, but frankly, you don't care. They are soft, cotton and deliciously roomy. Their largeness provides super comfort on those days when you are feeling bloated. (Like maybe you ate your weight in Krispy Kremes?? No? That must have been just me.) These panties are secretly loved by real women everywhere and are equally despised by men for having absolutely zero ounces of sex appeal. No matter! They are a staple of real women's panty drawers.

2. The holy (or should I say holey?) panty. No, these are not your Sunday best panties. These panties come in a variety of styles and colors, but the one thing that they have in common is a hole. Yes ladies. You can admit it. Your panty drawer probably has at least one panty with a hole. Now, your hole may give a peek-a-boo shot of your tushie or it may be located in a more delicate region. But regardless of the hole, these panties are your favorite for color or comfort or whatever, and you and I know that you will continue to refuse to trash them until they literally fall off of your body.

3. The panties that don't fit but you hope that someday . . . they will again. These old girls were at one time a favorite pair in your panty line-up. Unfortunately, as age and the pounds crept up, these panties began to slowly cut off your circulation to your lower appendages. Rather than walk around with numb toes, this pair of drawers was delegated to the lonely back of the panty drawer protocol where they collect dust and wait for the day when they can one day be put back into the rotation.

4. The husband boxers. These underwear are not necessarily worn as underwear, per se. Instead, these boxers have been lovingly stolen from your husband's underwear drawer. They are clean and boy-stain free.(Yes. You know what kind of stain I am referring too! As if you'd steal a stained pair?!? Yuck!) They too are cottony, soft and roomy and are loved for their yummy comfort and the ability to be worn as pajama bottoms.

5. The memory panties. These panties are rarely worn. Instead, these panties are kept as a memory of a special shared time with the one you love. Whether they be from the wedding night, a special anniversary, or just a steamy night, these lovely little panties always inspire a smile when you see them in the back of your drawer.

So, there you have it! The real woman's panty drawer. And, while I aspire to have the pretty panty drawer that the article describes, I am smiling content with my own actual panty drawer.

Because, after all, real life always trumps fairy tales.


Addendum . . . when all else fails . . . commando always works!


  1. I have lots of #1's and 2's (from your list aka the real list). I gave up on anything else 30 lbs and 20 yrs. ago.

  2. I also have a love/hate relationship with Krispy Kreme! Thank goodness the closest one is an hour away. What kills me is going in and them handing a free hot donut off the line. You just can't resists biting into it!

    I have to agree with the boy cut panties creating the ultimate wedgie too. YUCK!

  3. Commando? Yikes! I loved this post - so so so true. I had so many "relegated to back of drawer" panties I had to give them their own drawer - my "I'm gonna get back into you or else" ones! I hate giving up beautiful ones just 'cause they don't fit. Enjoying your site and thanks for visiting me today!

  4. Ooo I love Krispy Kreme. My thighs, however, do not.

  5. Stopping by from SITS...

    I love you!!! er, this post. That was weird. haha! This is great - I've tried the cute lacey "tanga"... or is it "Tonga".... boyish cut panties and that honestly one of the most horrible experiences of my life thus far. Yuck.
    I keep it real - with cotton undies, most of which are your average "bikini" style. cotton, PLEASE. And i've been known to wear a pair with snowflakes printed on them in the summertime. haha!

  6. OMG i have a bunch of panties that I used to wear before I had my kids...yes, 6-year old underwear that I have stubbornly refused to get rid of because I'm under the false belief that I'll be able to wear them again someday. I need to just come to grips with the fact that it'll probably never happen!!!

    Krispy Kreme just moved in down the street from our house, which makes it incredibly easy to get to in a matter of 5 minutes. Totally sucks!

  7. I like your list much better and feel like I read this one the first time around and loved it then too!

    I was trying to be good when I got my kids KK donuts last week and ordered one dozen and when I got to the window she asked if I wanted another dozen for $1. I said yes then pinched myself with sticky donut fingers the whole way home!


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