One what, you ask?
Well, a burp, of course.
Yes, a burp can hit the spot after drinking a 44 oz Big Gulp, or maybe after inhaling a big bowl of steaming chili, or even after consuming the yummy loaded bacon cheese fries I ate the other night on vacation.
In any of these situations, a burp could be considered an appropriate response to its stimulus. And, as long as there is the required, "Excuse me!" no one would be the least bit offended.
But, as I was checking out at the local discount store while on vacation, I couldn't believe my ears. The checkout lady was busily checking out my items. She would grab one, quickly run it over the scanner, and when the computer registered a loud BEEP, she would deposit the item into my shopping bag. It created its own music. Grab, swish, scan, BEEP! Grab, swish, scan, BEEP! I listened and watched intently until I heard it.
Grab, swish, scan, BEEEEELLLLLLLCCCCCCHHHHHHH! beep!
It was a Booger burp.
Immediately, I jerked my head upward. That was some impressive burp! Quickly, I looked over at my Ethan. I shot him the motherly look that said with my eyes . . . I know what you did! Fess up!!
He knew that look, and replied out loud, "Mom, I swear. It wasn't me!" Then he glanced at the checker expectantly.
My gaze turned to the checkout girl. Truthfully, I was a bit surprised that a burp that loud and that disgusting could emanate from this very, obvious adult lady. As I was wrapping my head around it, I must have forgotten to turn off my mom-guilt gaze, because the checker stopped her grab-swish-scan routine, darted her eyes up to me, and said, "Umm, yeah, excuse me, I guess?"
And then she rolled her eyes at me.
Now, I am usually a go with the flow kind of gal when it comes to bodily functions. I live with a man that pollutes my bathroom on a regular basis, and a son that can burp up to the letter J when he burps the alphabet. Clearly, I am no stranger to the music of our bodies, and although it is gross, I can usually let it go, if there is a mannerly, "Excuse me, " or even a timely, "Pardon me!"
After all, farts happen. Burps happen. I can deal. Really, I can. At times, I can even appreciate their comic timing and eye watering aromas. . .
But, if you roll your eyes at me, WATCH OUT!
Not only does an eye roll completely negate the previous "Excuse me, " it blatantly waves a red flag in front of the bull. It says, "Yes, I know that I am supposed to excuse my poor behavior, but I am only doing it because I am supposed to. I. don't. really. mean. it!"
And that, my dear friends, is what got to me. If I was not in vacation mode and instead in my full mom-mode, I think I may have just given that checker a tongue lashing . . . after I had slapped her eyes back to their rightful position.
So, in conclusion. . .
A burp? Gross, but usually OK.
A burp and some manners? Positively acceptable.
A burp ( reminiscent of Booger's burp in Revenge of the Nerds), a pseudo apology, and an eye roll?