Losing my Voice (Along with my Sanity)

I am losing my voice.

Stop laughing.

There are several reasons that I am losing my voice.

1) All of the trees and bushes and live things in my town have plotted against me and decided they needed to procreate all at the same time.

2) I have tutored 7,000 hours of math and algebra in the last few days due to the school's final exams.  (You know it is bad when Ethan asked me quite seriously, "Mom, did you figure out what X is yet?  You keep asking kid after kid what X is.  Do any of them know?"  No.  They do not know what X is.  That is why they see me!)

3) The new puppy has created whole new reasons to yell.  For example, "For the love of all that is good and holy . . . you can not put the dog in your baby stroller!"  Or what about this?  "No!  You can not feed the dog your spaghetti!  Dogs don't like spaghetti!"  (Even though, apparently, this dog does like spaghetti.  This does not surprise me, however.  What surprises me is that Indy, the puppy, is still alive despite being smothered frequently by Ellerie.  The dog is a damn saint!)

So clearly, I am ripe for losing my voice . . .except that I can't lose my voice.

I can't lose my voice, you see,  because I am a yeller.

And,  I love being a yeller.


*********I Yell. Suck It Up.  Originally posted 6/5/10****************

I'm a yeller.

My high pitched voice can often be heard calling things like, "Whose underwear are these right in the middle of the hallway?" Or maybe, "Do not squirt your sister!" as I call from the protection of the dining room.

I yell. I am OK with it. It's my style.

But recently, after picking Ethan up from a play date, he posed this question on the ride home.

"Mom, did you know that there are moms that do not yell? Isn't that amazing?"

After wiping the tears of laughter from my eyes, my response?

"Honey, I know that there are moms that do not yell. God just didn't happen to give you one of them."

Case closed.

I yell.

Suck it up.

So, give it up. Are you a lover or a fighter? Or a yeller?

*********************************************************

 

See? 

 

Yelling? 

 

It's sooooooo me.

 

Whispering?

 

Not so much.

When A.S.S. is Not A Good Name . . .

When hubs and I faced the task of naming our children, we had a ridiculously difficult time.  Since we are both teachers, ordinary names were laced with connotations.

"What about Scott?"  I would suggest.

"Nope.  Remember Scott C?"   hubs would remind me.  "He set a fire in the school bathroom?"

Instantly, "Scott" was delegated to the toilet.

"What about Heather?" hubs would suggest.

"Wasn't Heather the girl who arrived to the school dance with a white short skirt and no panties?"  I asked.

Hubs chuckled and replied, "Yep.  No Heather."

Every single name we picked out had a story attached to it which made choosing just the right name maddening.

When I was pregnant with Ethan,  we thought that we had found THE perfect name.  We had no negative associations with either the first or middle name and we thought that we were in the clear.  We chose Anthony Steven to be our baby boy's name and for about a week we would both talk to my belly using silly voices and the name Anthony Steven.

Then one day it dawned on me.

Our last name begins with an 'S'.

Our baby boy would be Anthony Steven 'S'.

A.S.S.

Nice.

Clearly, we could not saddle a child with ASS initials, and we went back to the drawing board.




And now we are facing another naming dilemma.

No.

I am not pregnant.

But this little guy will be joining our insanity in a few weeks . . .

and we are at a loss for names.

Any ideas?

A Gift for Mother Nature for Mother's Day

Dear Mother Nature,

Mother's Day is coming up this weekend, and I thought that I would get you a gift.  (I am good like that.)  At first, though, I was perplexed.  I mean, really, what do you get for Mother Nature, the mother of all mothers?

Flowers?



redbudfarms.com



Umm. No!  You grow the most beautiful ones yourself.

Candy?



godiva.com



No.  Not quite right.  Although dark chocolate is such a treasure!

And speaking of treasures . . . what about precious gems?



Nope.  Again, you could make those yourself, deep within the earth.

But then I had a eureka moment!

Mother Nature . . . may I present you with your new Garmin GPS !

garmin.com

Because judging by the amount of rain that we have received lately, I think that you must be a little directionally challenged this year.  You must think that the Midwest is really a rain forest, and I am here to tell you, it is not! 

So please Mother Nature, use your Garmin well.  Locate the Midwest.  Locate the rain forests.  Notice that they are in two very different parts of the globe, and then, promptly redirect your weather and climate choices.


Sincerely awaiting the spring sunshine (and a dry basement),

Annie

PS  Just wanted to throw out there that we are in a recession.  The best way to keep your job is to do it well.  Just sayin'.





Video Killed This Blogging "Star"

I have discovered that I am much more comfortable behind my keyboard than in front of a camera. 

Mama Kat's bonus challenge this week was to do a vlog (How in the heck do you pronounce that?) about how you titled your blog.

So, after 7,432 attempts . . . with naked children running by in the background, Dora music as a soundtrack and my Lady Gaga ring tone erupting loudly,  I give you my finished product.

It's a vlog people.

Don't get too excited . . . but click the button and embrace the crazy with me.

(Here's hoping the video and the sound sync up.  They do on my computer video, but I have done this several times, and when I load it to blogger, they are off.  It is like I am in my own, poorly dubbed, kung fu movie.  Ay yi yi!)

And about the contacts?

The fact that I had on two different colored contacts in one of my vlog attempts is not the worst thing.  The worst thing is that I have done this before.  Multiple times.  You would think that I would check my reflection in the mirror,  but alas, I do not.  Usually it is my kids that alert me to the fact that I am sporting different colored eyes. . . either them, or the grocery store clerk that can't stop staring . . .

Linking to Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop . . .

The Honest Pre-Nup

cartoon pic from agweb.com, artist notated above

There was a time that if Hubs had asked me to sign a prenuptial agreement, I would have been offended.  I would have thought that he was dooming our marriage to failure by preparing for a "what if".

Now, after 10 years of marriage, I see things a bit differently.

And, if I had to do it all over again, I would have drawn up the following pre-nup.



from tullylegal.wordpress.com


I, Annie, hereinafter referred to as Wifey, and I, Paul, hereinafter referred to as Hubs, hereby agree to the following terms upon the completion of our wedding.

1.  Wifey will not take offense to Hubs when he pollutes the bathroom on a daily basis.  Furthermore, Wifey will not question Hubs or his bowels despite any lingering odors in the bathroom, even if it is hours after the said offense.

2.  Hubs will not roll his eyes  and will refrain from commenting negatively when . .
a) Wifey returns from a shopping trip with 17 bags and states, "Look how much money I saved you!"
b)  Wifey rearranges the furniture in the living room on a weekly basis.
c) Wifey accidentally deletes the saved Steeler Super Bowl game from the dvr.

3.  Except as otherwise stated below,  Wifey waives the following rights . . .
a) the right to watch a Lifetime movie on the "good" TV on Saturdays and Sundays during football season.
b) the right to eat a meal in a restaurant that does not have a TV or Wi Fi service during football season.
c) the right to see Hubs on a 70 degree, blue sky day, and Hubs has an offer for Country Club golf for free.
d) the right to comment on old photos of Hubs with wistful thoughts like, "Why can't you still have abs like that?"

4.  Except as otherwise stated below, Hubs waives the following rights . . .
a) the right to watch or participate in any sporting event on Valentine's Day, wedding anniversary, or any holiday deemed "important" by Wifey or the Hallmark corporation.
b) the right to comment on any new hair do that Wifey sports, despite any likenesses to a chiuaua's coat, a striped skunk, or an electrocuted rat.
c) the right to veto any new dinner recipe that took longer than 30 minutes to prepare even if said recipe contains vegetables and requires 4 beers to get down.
d) the right to have vehicle with a clean interior free from receipts, Starbuck's cups, Krispy Kreme wrappers, or any kiddie item deemed appropriate by future kiddies.

5.  Both parties agree that despite their love for one another, there will be times when one or both parties will want to . . .
a) physically strangle the other party.
b) pull the other party's toenails out one toe at a time
c)kill the other person.
Despite these overwhelming urges, both parties agree not to act upon these feelings.

6) When one or both of the above parties has feelings described in section 5, both parties agree to . . .
a) take a deep breath.
b)try to remember why they fell in love in the first place.

7) If the parties fail to choose part a or b of section six above, the parties will instead do the following . . .
a) decide to love the other person despite the fact that the other person is acting like an idiot.
b) remember that marriage is like a roller coaster.  It has its ups and downs. It may make you scream in delight or it may may make you want to puke your guts out. The parties will remember, that marriage, in the end, it is such a great ride.

This agreement constitutes the entire agreement of the parties and may only be modified in writing by both Wifey and Hubs. 

I fully agree to the above agreement and understand its implications.  I agree to its contents and terms.
Signed
Annie and Paul

*******************************************************
Now, it's your turn . . .
all of you married and unmarried bloggy friends, what would you add?

I will be linking this to Mama Kat's writer's workshop this Thursday.  Come back then to link up with her!

Spies Like Hubs

"Have you ever considered that I might be a spy? "  hubs asked as we read the Sunday paper together.

I looked up briefly, met his eyes, and with a curt, "No," I went back to reading the paper.

He didn't take my hint and continued, "I mean.  I could go to school, go to an underground tunnel, and take off to a completely different life."

I stopped my reading. "Well, do you?"

"No, "  he paused and then said, "but I could."

He gaze was so intent that I burst out laughing.

"What?  What is so funny?" he asked.

Wiping the tears from my eyes, I replied, " You are.  A spy?  I am picturing you as Maxwell Smart/ football coach. Too funny!"  And I started giggling again.

He chuckled too and then remarked, "I was thinking of myself as more of an Arnold Schwarzenagger type like in True Lies  It was on TV last night."

I summarized.  "So you are  leading a double life as a spy, and you picked Ahhh-nold as your persona?"

"Yeah!" he replied, proud of himself.

"I think that I am safe in knowing that you are NOT a secret spy. "

"Really?  How do you know?"

I answered easily. "Because secret spies do not tell their wives about being secret spies and compare themselves to Arnie. " I paused and then added, "Also, secret spies do not ask their wives if they know of a solution for toe nail fungus."

Case closed.

****************************************************
So, my question to y'all is this, "Do you have these crazy conversations with the one you love?  Or is it just me?"

This Chunk is For You!

I don't do resolutions.

Never have.

It is not that I have anything against resolutions.  It is just that I know me.  If I make a broad, sweeping,  statement about what I want to do,   I just know that I won't do it.

Case in point,  if I resolved at 12:01 am on January 1st to eat healthier in the upcoming year, that resolution would be shot to hell when  at 8 am that next morning I turn on two wheels into the Krispy Kreme parking lot because the Hot Now sign is flashing.

google images

Sad, but true.

I operate better with smaller, concrete goals.  Something that I can write down.  Something along the lines of . . . I will buy at least three vegetables at the grocery store on the next trip.

Ignore the fact that I probably will not eat all of those veggies.  Just saying.

So, even though I want to run a half marathon, (I know.  I know.  I have been checked.  I am not crazy.) I will not resolve to run a marathon.  Instead, I downloaded a training schedule and I transferred the training numbers to my calendar. Instead of a marathon looming over my head, I now know that on such and such a day I have to run three miles, and when I accomplish that I will look ahead to my next small goal.

I am just chunking it up a bit.

And . . . it is good. 




google images



Think Ben and Jerry's Chunky Monkey.  Holy Yum!

lauraknauth.com

Or Chunk from the Goonies.  Too Cute!!





spanalaskasales.com



Or chunky peanut butter . . . ummmm, hello?  Delish!

So, 2011 is my year of the chunk.

Here's to being chunky!

I am linking to Mama Kat and her Writer's Workshop.  Hop on over there and check out some more fun resolving posts.

What Do You Say When . . .

What do you say when . . .


-your six year old son says, "WOW mom!  My penis is sooooooo big right now."?

- you discover that your three year old has a secret hiding place under the dining room table where she has hidden her babies, your cell phone, and an old banana?

-you discover that said hiding place is also where your 3 year old goes to pick her nose in "pwi- vate."?



What do you say when . . .

-you are looking for your favorite pair of tweezers and your nine year old daughter remarks, "Yeah mom.  I was going to tell you that you needed to tweeze."?

-your three year old declares, "No panties!  I don't like panties!!"?

-your husband explains, "I thought that I would help with the laundry.  I put a load of my sweatshirts in the wash . . . on delicate."? 



And finally . . .


What do you say when . . .

-you discover that your team name at the local watering hole's trivia night is Crouching Woman, Hidden Cucumber?   (Stop laughing!  I am not making this stuff up, and it gets worse.)

- you find out that you have been selected to represent team Crouching Woman, Hidden Cucumber in a trivia game musical tie in front of the entire population of the watering hole?

-the trivia game's emcee asks, "Are you THE Crouching Woman, Hidden Cucumber?"  (See.  I told you.)



Yeah.

I am speechless too.

How to Tell When You Have PMS . . .

Reasons My Hubs Can Tell That  I Have PMS

1.  I proceeded to eat directly from the bag of pretzels and directly from the bag of chocolate chips simultaneously while we were having a conversation.

2.  When Hubs came home for lunch, my car was parked with two of its wheels on the curb.

3. My three year old's hair is not brushed, and I do not care.

4.  In addition to Ellerie's non-brushed hair, she also has several leaves still in it from our morning walk and again, I do not care.

5.  I am eerily not freaking out about the fact that a) Thanksgiving is at my house this year.  and b) THANKSGIVING IS AT MY HOUSE THIS YEAR!!!!!!

6.  I have consumed 5 cups of coffee today, and I could probably go for 5 more.

7.  I am considering inventing a salty lolli-pop to get me my salt fix.

8.  I have rearranged all of the furniture in my living room . . . two times, and, I still don't like it.

9.  I am considering tiling the kitchen myself tonight after dinner.

10.  I fell asleep for the night at 8 pm.


How can you tell when you (or your love) have (has) PMS?

Let it Grow, Let it Grow, Let it Grow . . . Obama Chia for Christmas

Each year, as the holidays draw near, I eagerly anticipate the joys of the season. 

I look forward to the yummy holiday dinners I share with my family.  (Let's face it. . . any meal that can combine potatoes and marshmallows is a winner!)

I look forward to the fun of holiday decor.  The bright colors and shiny decorations always bring a sparkle to my day.  (Although organizers of the nativity animal scene take note:  Please make sure that the donkeys refrain from playing "horseback" with each other while we visit your display.  Thank you very much!)

And,  as the days become more crisp,  I also look forward to holiday shopping.

I know.  I know.

You think that I am crazy.

And, truth be told, I probably am.   I just love hunting for a deal or a special memento to give to the ones that I love.  I like to give my friends and family members just a small token to let them know that I am thinking of them.

And this year, I have found a gem of a gift that I know that each and every recipient will cherish.

(And, if President Obama is not to your liking,  Joseph Enterprises also offers a Chia Lady Liberty and a Chia Abraham Lincoln.)



After all, it's the least that I can do to show that I care.



*******Author's note . . . Apparently, this little Chia is causing a great controversy.  He has been banned by Walgreen's stores according to a CNN report because he is seen by some to be "racist."  While that was not my take on the gift,  I can certainly appreciate and validate that opinion.  I just wrote this post to poke a little fun at those of us that take gift buying a bit too seriously, and because I thought that it was ridiculous to put any president on a chia pet.  I mean, how does a President of the United States rank with the likes of the Shrek or Scooby Doo chia?  Seriously?!?  That said,  when I first spied the Obama chia I did chuckle.  So, readers, I ask you.  Is the hoopla warranted?  Should Obama chia be banned, or are we all taking ourselves a bit too seriously?************

Elmo and Katy . . . Hot OR Cold????

You may know Katy Perry.


She sings the song California Gurls and Hot N Cold.


Catchy tunes. Very catchy.  In fact, Ellerie, my 2 year old,  loves to sing the Hot N Cold song.  She first heard it on the Chipmunk's The Squeakqual movie.


Well, Sesame Street picked up on the fact that Hot N Cold is a catchy song and that the kiddies seem to love it, so they paired up Katy Perry and Elmo for a video.  Fun, right?



Apparently, no.

In the video released on You Tube, Katy and Elmo sing as she wears a yellow bustier.  Check it out.

The video begins with Katy explaining that Elmo invited her over to play dress up and that she wore her dress up clothes.  After getting over one million hits on You Tube, some very vocal parents and critics criticized Sesame Street for Katy's outfit in the video.  Most critiques said that the yellow bustier was too sexually suggestive for young children.



Really?



I personally thought that it looked like a ridiculous dress up outfit.  Completely normal for the 3 to 5 year old set in my mind especially when I considered the following womanly icons that my little girls have loved.

Isn't Tink wearing a green bustier?  Or is that just me?

And what about Jasmine? Maybe Aladdin was all gaga for her teal bustier.  Just sayin'.



Holy Pocahontas!  Isn't Poca's outfit similar to Katy's?  I didn't see John Smith protesting.

Or what about Ariel?  Those sea shells look as if one wave could knock them right off.  Am I right?

Hmmmm.

Deep thoughts, huh?

My point is that I don't think that Sesame Street should have pulled the video so quickly because a group of parents objected to Katy's outfit, because when you look at other kiddie figures,  Katy's outfit doesn't seem so risque.

Although, if Sesame Street was looking for publicity . . .  the you tube video now has over 3,500,000 hits and Katy Perry spoofed the show on Saturday Night Live. So, if publicity was Sesame Street's goal, their PR man was genius.

Either that or Elmo may just be getting the cold shoulder.

 

****pics were from various websites but all ultimately were (and are) Disney icons*****

Caught in a Landslide . . . No Escape From Reality (Or How I Became a Bohemian Mom)

There are days when being a mom is . . .

inspiring
thankless
exhausting
frustrating
stressful
exciting
exhilarating
touching
hilarious

and, of course,

ridiculous.

It makes you want to ask yourself,  "Is this the real life?  Is this just fantasy?"  just like Queen asks in its Bohemian Rhapsody. Well, the following ladies did more than just ask themselves those rhetorical questions.  They made a ballad out of them, and it rocks!
Watch, laugh, and commiserate!



Don't you wish you were this creative?  Or that you had that much musical talent?  Or that you had an inkling of time to play like this?

Me too!

That is why for the last day I have been walking around my house with the windows open rocking it out to the rhapsody of being a mom.


My children think that I am crazy.

My neighbors suspect that I have been hitting the sauce.

But, I know that I am just one happy (albeit tired) lady that likes to sing out loud!


You may now wave your lighter in approval .


**** Special thanks to a cousin who sent me this fabulous video from you tube. Although we live far from each other, I know that she was singing this ballad too, and that makes me smile.*****

Not Just Any Tom (or Dick or Harry) Makes My List

****I am linking this with Mama Kat this week.  Hop on over and check her out!

Dear Tom,

There was once a time when I proudly displayed your name on my Top 5 list.  Yes, that is right, back when you were on your first impossible mission, back when you were interviewing that vampire, you were one of my Top 5 freebie men.  If the timing had been right,  and if the two us had met somewhere out there, you could have been my celebrity hook-up that was approved by hubs, because, dear Tom, you were on my list.  In fact, at one point, you may have very well been my number one potential freebie, but no more, my friend.

No more.

I regret to inform you that your Top 5 status has been revoked, effective immediately.

The reasons for your fall from my status are as follows:

1.  You jumped on Oprah's couch.  Seriously,  what were you thinking?

2.  You fell "in love" with Katie Holmes.  Really?  I am sure that she is a lovely girl and all, but last time I checked, she was still swimming in Dawson's creek, and you, my dear, no longer have all the right moves. 

3.  You insulted Brooke Shields when she was down with post-partum depression.  That was some risky business right there buddy.  You are lucky that all of the post partum women of the world did not hunt you down with their top guns.

4.  You went on the Today show and said that psychiatry and mental illness were bogus.  My thoughts? You can't handle the truth that you may, in fact, have a mental illness yourself.

5.  And finally, you made your wife give birth silently and without drugs as per your Scientology beliefs.  I love my husband and all, but, let's face it, no man can silence this mouth,  and even a war of the worlds could not have kept me from my painkillers.  Any man that requires silence and no meds is not one of a few good men in my book.

So to recap, dear Tom,  you are no longer freebie list material.

I thank you for the past fantasies, but your status is far and away no longer needed in this household.

Sincerely,

Annie

The Lord Works in Technologically Mysterious Ways

Dear God,

Sometimes, I can hear you and your voice quite clearly in my life, especially when I am listening.

But,today, I have a feeling that I have not been listening.  And, sneaky God that you are, I have a feeling that you are trying to tell me something.  So, yes lord,  I am now paying attention, and I will definitely be going back to the gym on Monday when the kids start back to school.

I just wanted you to know . . . so that you can stop sending my computer fat loss pop-up ads while I am checking my email.  The first ad was annoying, the second ad was amusing,  and the third ad was my wake up call.

So, just to recap,   I got your message loud and clear!!   (And,  I am thoroughly impressed with your use of technology, frankly!)

Love,

Annie

PS  As a side note,  will you please be with me on Monday while I visit the gym?  I have a feeling that it will be painful. 

If You Get Your Mind Out of the Gutter, . . . Would You Pick Up Mine While You Are There?

I have a confession.

Shhhhh!  Come closer.

I love Craigslist. 

There.  I said it,  and I feel so much better.

Seriously, folks. Craigslist is the best.  You can do garage sale like shopping from the comfort of your couch and laptop.  What's not to love?

So, every few days, I hop on over to the site, and just peruse the listings.  It's sort of like going through the classified ads in the newspaper, but virtually.  By just keeping my eyes open like this, I have scored some incredible finds.  For example,  I got my 3 piece wicker resin couch with cushions and pillows for just $80, and  . . . it was still in its plastic wrapping from the store!  Do you know how much those outdoor sofas run??  Ay yi yi!  $80 was an incredible deal.

(Here is a pic of a sofa that closely resembles mine. 

According to the Home Depot website, replacement cushions alone cost $299.00!)

Anyways, last night, I was doing my normal craigslist look-see, and I came across a listing for a "Weird Pink Sofa."  I had no idea what would constitute a weird pink sofa, so I just HAD to look.  Here is the listing and picture that I copied EXACTLY into this post.


We're moving and need to get rid of this couch. It is very weird looking and weird shaped and we got it free years ago and never used it. It is so ugly that most people who came to visit would laugh about it. All I know is that it's super heavy and I'm NOT willing to take it with us again. First person HERE gets it!


•Location: XXXXXXXXXXX
•it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Did this listing just say,"It is so ugly that most people that came to visit would laugh about it?"  Ugly ?!?Is it possible that someone had this couch in her home and did not know what this couch resembled?

Is it just me?

Please tell me that I am not the only one that thinks that this looks like a hoo ha? A va-jay-jay? A vertical smile?

Or am I the only one who has her mind in the gutter?



A weird couch? I'd say so!

Not a Square to Spare

Dear Hubs,

It has come to my attention that once again, you have had a challenge that you could not complete.

While I realize that changing the toilet paper roll is an overwhelmingly difficult task, I really and truly believe in my heart that you are (ready for this . . .) able to do it. So, the next time that the roll empties, you only have to do the following.

1) Determine that the roll is,in fact, empty. You will know this when you reach for a square of Charmin, and your hand comes up empty.

2) Locate the spare rolls in the bathroom vanity. I have made this step relatively easy for you. The spare rolls of paper are all white and sitting on the open shelf of the vanity. You do not even have to move any items to locate them.

3) Grab a spare roll, and (here is where it gets a bit tricky) exchange the empty cardboard sleeve with the full, brand-new roll.

And, voila!

A full and beautiful, brand new roll of toilet paper!

So, my dear, please accept this challenge. I know that you can do it, despite it's seemingly difficult manuevers.

Your loving wife,

Annie

PS On a side note, if you decide not to accept the challenge, I have decided to hide all of the spare rolls of paper in a location unknown to you, and you will have to fend for yourself, and rough it, if you will. Because, frankly my dear, in the words of Elaine (my favorite Seinfeld character) . . . I don't have a square to spare!

****** And, since a good embarrassing story is a great ice breaker at parties, I am joining LambAround's party today! :) Go check out the other party goers!

Go to the Light Dora!

I have decided to do something drastic.


After a 1o hour car trip that took 14 hours . . .

and a beach rental that only has one TV . . .

I have decided.



Dora the Explorer must die.


Now, I have to admit. I did not come to this idea all by myself. I was inspired by one of the characters on the fabulous TV show, Modern Family. After a uncharacteristic stint as a stay-at-home dad, one of the characters admitted his secret desire to take out the Explorer, herself. He said, "I am plotting Dora's murder. I am going to fill that backpack with rocks and dump her in the river. " And as I laughed because I could soooooo totally identify, I began to consider the possibility. It wasn't until my recent road trip with the kiddies, however, that I plotted it in earnest.

Dora must die.

I figure I could send her on an adventure in which she will never come back. I can send her to find the great "white light". Along the way, Boots the Monkey can find his very own cement monkey shoes, and Swiper the Fox can get sideswiped by a Mack truck. The map can commit suicide after meeting Mr. GPS and discovering that he is now, in fact, completely useless. Finally, Dora and her backpack can sing "C'mon, Vamanos!" as they skip merrily into the light.

It would be a beautiful passing.

Ahhhh.

Too bad it's only a dream.


*****Any other characters need offing?? Let me know. I am probably your girl.********

Twenty Things I WILL NOT Do (And You Can't Make Me!)

20 things I vow NOT to do this summer . . .

1. I will not cry when I inadvertently kill my tomato plant.
2. I will not mutter under my breath grumpily when I am forced to buy tomatoes from the local farmer's market after I kill my tomato plants.
3. I will not lie when others taste my fabulous tomato sauce and ask if it was made with tomatoes I have grown myself. I will fess up, even if it kills me.


4. I will not cry because my kitchen remodel is still not done.
5. I will not become impatient with the kitchen's progress and hire out the rest of the work to a local handyman.
6. I will not give up the friendly pestering of hubs to get the job done. (Love you hubs! Smooches!!)


7. I will not cry when I drive all three of my kiddies 10 hours, by myself, in our yearly quest to see the ocean.
8. I will not leave my bickering and fighting children on the side of the highway, despite my overwhelming desire to do so.
9. I will not drink myself into a coma when I arrive at our vacation destination out of sheer relief that the road trip is over. (I will have at least one drink, however. Or three. Just sayin'.)

10. I will not cry when I put on my summer bathing suit and check myself out in the mirror, despite any stretch marks, cellulite, flab or the like. I will embrace my womanly body, and be proud of my health without apology. (So there! sticks tongue out . . .)
11. I will not worry about what I look like in a bathing suit when I am at the pool or the beach. ( I have invested in some fabulous rose colored glasses for just this problem.)
12. I will not sit out of the fun of summer just because some magazine tells me that I should look a certain way. I will swim and jump and sing and dance and frolic (OK. OK! Maybe not frolic . . . but definitely the others.) this summer. I will enjoy this season to the hilt!

13. I will not cry when the kids say, "I am bored!"
14. I will not find things for the kids to do when they cry, "I am bored!" Instead, I will let them wallow in their bored-ness in the hope that their little minds will wander and their creativity will flourish. (Just not flourish enough to create a big honkin' mess in the house or yard.)
15. I will not succumb to the kids' cries of desperation by turning on the boob tube. It will stay off!! (except of course for my dvr'ed episodes of Glee and Modern Family . . .)


16. I will not cry when I see my kiddies grow up before my eyes.
17. I will not put a brick on Abbie's head in order to stop her from growing (like a weed I might add) into a young lady, despite the fact that I am not quite ready for it.
18. I will not put a leash on Ellerie to restrain her energy despite the fact that her zeal for life zaps the energy from my life.
19. I will not put a piece of tape over Ethan's mouth in order to acquire a moment of silence in my crazy day. I will instead try to listen to all of E's 6 year old theories and appreciate each and every one of them (to the best of my ability and my sanity).

20. I will not take any day for granted this summer. I will appreciate each and every day that I get to spend with my kids, hubs, and extended family. . .

. . . even if it kills me . . .


*****************This post was a variation response to one of Mama Kat's writer's prompts this week, the 30 Things You Will Do This Summer. Hop on over to see her and check out some other great responses. *************************

I Look Like Who??? Really???

Recently, on Facebook, many people were posting a celebrity-look-alike pictures instead of their regular profile pictures. One friend compared himself to Spongebob (strangely accurate), while another friend compared himself to Brad Pitt (soooooo not even close).

And, one old highschool girlfriend fancied herself to be another Heidi Klum (Can you say rose-colored glasses?).

Obviously, this provoked many laughs.

Many.

But, it also got me thinking. What celebrity would I pick for my look alike?

Would I go for funny and pick someone waaaaa -ayyyyy out there? Someone like. . . um . . . Spock?

Umm. . . short hair. Check.
Pointy sideburns. Check.

Hmmmm.

Emotionless expression?
Nope.

Spock was definitely not me!

Or would I go with someone that other people had actually (flatteringly, really) compared me to before? Someone like Alyssa Milano?

Naaaahhhh.

I didn't see it.

I obviously needed help.

I turned to MyHeritage.com. This site is dedicated to helping a person determine his or her heritage legitimately, but they also have a fun page that uses face recognition technology to determine which celebrity actually looks like you.

How cool is that?

So, unafraid, I downloaded my profile picture and this is what I got.

OK.

So, I am more than OK with Cate Blanchett, Sarah Michelle Gellar, and Ashley Judd as my celebrity look alikes.(And really, who wouldn't be?) These are all very beautiful ladies, and frankly, it was super flattering for my ego to be compared to them.

But, Hillary Rodham Clinton? And Mrs. Brady?!? Really?

In what alternate universe do Ashley Judd and Hillary Clinton resemble each other? And lord help me if my hair resembles Mrs. Brady's famous mullet. If that is the case, I will forgo my family's grocery bill this week to remedy the situation. Eating bread and water will be worth it.

Mrs. Brady?

Aaaaaaaah!

I guess it could be worse.

They could have compared me to Mr. Brady.

************Special thanks to Jenners at Life with a Little One and More for the Inspiration for this post. You should go check out her post about celebrity look alikes. Bring your Depends. You will need them.*****************************

A Fowl Day

There was a bird inside my house today.

An outside bird.

Inside.

My house.

I am beginning to think that I live in the Wild Kingdom. (Remember the squirrel from awhile back? If you are new, you need to click that link to read about him. Seriously. You do.)

Anyhow, I was puttering around in the remodeling zone that is my kitchen when I heard the sound.

"Tweet! Tweet! TWEETY TWEET TWEET!!"

At first, I actually thought, "Wow! What a pretty spring song!" Then, I realized that the melody was loud. Really loud. Entirely too loud for me to be hearing with such clarity when the windows to my house were shut.

I consulted help for fear I was officially going crazy and hearing tweeting in my head. "Ab? Do you hear that?"

"Hear what?" she answered. Typical kid!

"Tweet! Tweet! TWEETY TWEET TWEET!!" chirped the bird, and I replied to Ab, "THAT! Do you hear that bird?"

She got up from her seat, joined me in the kitchen and strained her ear. "Yep, mom. It's definitely a bird, so what?"

"So???? It's in the house somewhere! That's what!"

And with that, I went off in search of the tweeter armed and ready. I was carrying an upside broom and a flyswatter. That's right. I made weapons out of my cleaning tools. I am good like that.

I followed that tweet and soon I was led to the basement where there he sat. Right outside my laundry room door. Looking at me.

I'll admit. I didn't have a clue about what to do in this situation. I mean, really, this wasn't exactly in the job description. And, I knew that I did not have Cinderella's charms to coax tweety into making me a fabulous formal gown, so I just had to, ahem, wing it. ( I know. I know. That was bad. I just couldn't resist.)

With broom aloft, I charged!

Unafraid, tweety charged right back wings flapping furiously.

And, my friends, I will tell you with all honesty that that flapping got to me. Got. to. me. The noise of those flaps, and also the sight of it gave me a case of the willies so bad that I ran, screaming, up the steps two at a time and slammed the basement door.

Clearly, I needed to reformulate my plan, I thought as I leaned and panted against the basement door. Then, I caught sight of my daughter.

"Ab! Stop laughing!!! Get up and run and get me a towel!!" I ordered. Bless her little heart, even though her sides were probably aching from laughter, she fetched me a towel, and I went back to battle.

With towel in hand, I cautiously opened the basement door.

"TWEET!"

I slammed the door again.

Yes. That's right. That tweeter followed me up the stairs and was now perched on the top step just beyond the door. Tweeter!

So, I did the only thing that I could. I took him by surprise. I flung the door open, threw the towel over him, scooped him up, and ran out the door. Once on my deck, I dropped the towel and the tweeter escaped to the skies.

He was free!

But, more importantly, I was free of a wild animal in my home.

That is, my house is free of wild animals if you do not include my kiddies or hubs, but that, of course is a post for another day.

Just call me the bird whisperer.