Stir Fry for Insanity Today

For today's reading pleasure, I have Tracie, from Stir Fry Awesomeness. (Is that a great blog name, or what?) She is one funny lady that blogs about anything and everything with snark, sarcasm, and humor. Needless, to say, I love, love, love her. And on a side note, sometimes Tracie's language is a little colorful, but I think that that just makes her all the more delicious!

Enjoy!!
________________________________________________________________

Have you ever been listening to someone yammer on so long that you get kicked out of your Happy Place for loitering?


Ever find yourself nodding your head and throwing in pithy encouragers - “Really?” “Umm. Hmm.” “I can’t believe it!”- because you have no idea what they are saying?


Do you know anyone who always has whacky stuff happen to her but she can’t tell anyone because it's too crazy or embarrassing?


Have you been cornered by a new mom who can’t shut up about her baby’s latest accomplishments. (Usually something like looking at his hand or making extra adorable poops.)


Friends, these people need to Get A Blog.


To my long suffering husband who needs to tell his side of the story and commiserate with like-minded sports fanatics and beer drinkers.




Get A Blog!




To my friend with the douchecanoe husband who has been cheating on her for 10 + years. Your stories would guarantee outrage and comment frenzy. If you don’t blog about him I will.




Get A Blog!




To my FB “friend” (I’m using quotes here because I only have a vague idea as to who this person is IRL.) who is infinitely amused by his own humor and has to post a new status update/promo for his book every 15 minutes. Some people might actually enjoy your bad puns and over use of exclamation points.




Get A Blog!




To my friend who loves to cook and goes into detail about every gourmet creation. Yes, you are wonderful. I’m on a diet.




Get A Blog!




To my MIL who is so involved in her favorite grandchild’s life (not my kids, of course) that she has to brag to the rest of the family about each hockey goal/soccer game/report card/nocturnal emission. I tuned you out 11 years ago.




Get A Blog!




Do you know anyone that needs to Get A Blog?
__________________________________________________________________

Now go Get A Blog and visit Tracie!

Help! I've Been Mommed . . .

In honor of all the times that I have found petrified french fries, melted crayons, and rancid sippy cups in my van (And . . . let's not forget about the time it took me so long to clean out my van that the battery died before I was done . . .), I give you this YouTube gem. Just click on the link below. (By the way, if any of you know how to download video . . . shoot me an email. Blogger wouldn't let me. Grrr! I have included a link instead.)

I know. I know. You can thank me later.

Mom My Ride - Sponsored by Zima

Classic!

So now I know what happened. Instead of having my ride pimped, I had it "mommed."

Who else has a "mommed"mobile??

The Spice of My Life

"Mom, did you ever have spicy eyes?" Ethan asked from the backseat while we were driving.

Spicy eyes? Where is he going with this I thought to myself. Did he mean itchy and red allergy eyes? Did he say "ice" and I misunderstood? While I pondered, he interrupted.

"Moooom!" he repeated loudly. "I asked if you ever had spicy eyes?"

"Well, E, I don't know what you are talking about, so," I paused. "I don't know if my eyes have ever been spicy."

I could see his exasperated expression in my rearview mirror as he tried to explain. "You know that show that was on TV that was talking about the police?"

"The news?" I asked.

"Yes! The news!" he paused, thought for a second and then started back into his explanation. "Well, it said the police used pepper spray. So, I wondered if you had ever had spicy eyes."

I chuckled.

"So, you think pepper spray makes your eyes SPICY?" I questioned.

He shot back. "Yeah! Doesn't it?"

And then I thought for a moment, and I realized that spicy eyes would be pretty good description for pepper spray's lasting effect.

"You know bud that is a very good way to explain it. But, " I waited to make sure he was listening, "what makes you think that Mommy has had spicy eyes?"

He blushed, and then said, "Well, I was listening one time when you were telling a story about you and a policeman."

Hmmm. Several of my police encounters ran through my mind and although none were fun, none also resulted in me being sprayed with pepper spray.

I gave it a shot in the dark. "E, mommy was talking about a ticket that a policeman gave her for not following a driving rule. They don't pepper spray you for getting a ticket, " I explained.

"Oh," he said quietly and with disappointment. Apparently, if I had been pepper sprayed, then I would have been a rock star. A measly ticket warranted nothing in E's estimation.

And any story that would make me a rock star . . . is obviously too spicy for a six year old!!

Sisters

There are times when words escape me. (I know. I know. It is not that often, much to my husband's chagrin.)

But, recently, a fellow blogger, Daffy, from Batcrap Crazy, lost her big sister unexpectedly, and when I heard the news, I instantly felt like I had been punched in the stomach. To lose a sister is more than just losing a member of your family. It means losing your best friend. It means losing your secret keeper. It means losing the person that shares your memories. My heart and thoughts and prayers goes out to my bloggy friend, Daffy.

In yucky times like these I am always comforted by strange things. Warm socks. Chocolate or bacon. And meaningful words. When thinking about losing a sister, I am comforted by e.e. cummings and his poem, i carry your heart with me.

i carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)


You may recognize this poem from the recent movie, In Her Shoes, but as a former English teacher, I had discovered this beauty long ago. And really, how else can I share how special my bond is with own my sister, but to acknowledge that I carry her heart ( and secrets and memories and loves) within my own heart.

It is the best gift that I can give her.

So, to Daffy, know that your sister will always be a part of you and who you are. Find comfort in all of the loves and hugs that surround you, and if you need some Pig Candy (Bacon cooked in brown sugar. Holy yum!) know that I am just an email away.

And to my sister, Jaime, know that i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart).

I love you.

Extreme Insanity Makeover!

Hi y'all!

I got a makeover.

Can you tell?

Isn't my avatar cute and sassy?!? Just like me . . . I like to think.

It is still in early stages, and I have to add some photos in my family section, and some linkies to you all . . .but I love, love, love it!

Thanks to Bloggy Blog Designs for their help!

He Rubs Me the Wrong Way

The last few days I have been feeling pretty crappy, so hubs decided to cheer me up with a joke.
He opened his laptop and proceeded with the following (of which, I am sure that I am butchering, but, bear with me . . .)


A boy asked his mother, "Why is my big sister named MoonChild?"
The mother said, "Because she was conceived when the first man landed on the moon."

I chuckled, and hubs continued to read.

The son continued, "Why is my other sister named CornFlower?"
The mother said, "Because she was conceived in a corn field."

I smiled again. I could see where this was going. Hubby continued the joke from his laptop.

"Why is big brother named ThunderingStorm?" he asked. She replied, "Because he was made during a storm."

He paused, and I waited expectantly for the punchline. Hubs smiled and delivered the one liner.

The mother continued, "Why are you so curious Tom Rubber?"

Hubby laughed out loud and looked over at me for my reaction.

"Hon? Are you sure it's Tom Rubber? Isn't it supposed to be Torn Rubber?" I questioned.

Instantly, hubs rubbed his eyes, squinted at the screen, and then turned red. "Yep. Torn Rubber."

Then we looked at each other and burst out laughing. When we finally caught our breath, I asked him, "Doesn't Torn Rubber make more sense? Tom Rubber isn't even funny."

Hubby just chuckled and shrugged his shoulders. Which leads me to two thoughts. One, hubby muffed the line on purpose to make me laugh because he knew that I was feeling crappy. Or two, (which is clearly the more likely answer) hubs screwed up the punch line because we are getting old and he couldn't see it, but he still laughed because it had the word rubber in it.

After all, boys will be boys.

Annie . . . Phone Home

Dear Verizon,

It has become clear to me that during our 6 years together, our relationship has been rather one-sided. A normal relationship consists of a mutual give and take. Unfortunately though, I give, give, give you my money and you take, take, take it. In order for our relationship to continue, you need to give me the following items . . .

1.) A working phone. Simple enough concept. If you want me to continue to give you money to use your phone, then the phone MUST work. Silly. I know. Phones that lose their signal, phones that die after being dropped from my purse, phones that can not withstand the grubby fingers of a two year old, or phones refuse to ring are not acceptable.

2.) Good customer service. This does not include being put on hold for extended lengths of time only to be connected with a computer automated voice. This does not include "helping" me by connecting me with someone that does not speak English. This does not include offering to "upgrade" my service instead of properly fixing the service I already pay for. This does include answering my questions patiently and with courtesy. This does include speaking with me without rolling your eyes, sighing, or sneaking in a snarky comment. And, if I am actually in your store seeking help and you offer my kids a lollipop bribe so that we can finish our transaction, I will probably swoon with delight. Just sayin'.

3.) A contract that does not require me to sign over my first born child - or - cut off an appendage -or- mortgage my house to pay it in full each month. Enough said.

4.) The option to have an iphone. Yes. I know that currently ATT and Apple are in cahoots. And, yes. I know that you have the Blackberry and other gadgets. But, let me say this loud and clear, your gadgets and apps ARE NOT IN THE SAME LEAGUE with the iphone. My phone with a touch screen might as well be singing MC Hammer's Can't Touch This. The screen is like a leper colony. Seriously. It does not compare despite what your salesman pitched.

5.) Valid phone insurance. After kid number 2 flushed one of my phones, you offered me "insurance" for my phone. For 5 dollars a month for the life of the two year contract, I could get insurance on my phone. When I asked if that meant I would get a replacement for free, you said no. The replacement would be only $50. So, let me get this straight. If I pay you for 24 months, $5, for a total of $120.00, then I can purchase a phone for $50? I may not be a mathematician, but isn't that $170 for a replacement phone? Really?? This is insurance?? I guess I really want to know how many people take you up on that offer.

So, dear Verizon, do you think that you will be able to give me what I need? If not, I just may be reaching out to touch ATT the next time.

Your customer,
Annie